Random Thoughts #11

-This is a continued thought from last RT post. I tend to keep most of my life private (ironic since I write in this blog) anyways, so far in life I have made so many friends and acquaintances that even I am often surprised how do I know this many people. With that, I never really cross friend groups for various reasons and mainly because each friend group gets a different personality of mine. I have a million of them and the constant factor is that I am pretty honest to all of them and I love swearing and eating, but what I mean to share is that with my many friend groups I have only introduced 1 person to all of them. That person being Dan, I will never forget when I introduced him to my bestie from 2nd Grade who smelled like pork chops and her mom, they both instantly cornered me and said “he is the one right?” LOLOLOL They also noticed how I never mentioned anyone or brought anyone over even during our holiday celebrations, they were truly the second family of mine and to bring anyone over was a HUGE thing. After I brought him over to them, I brought Dan along to meet many of my other friends. Some he really enjoyed some he would be happy to never hangout with them again lol but it is nice to finally be able to share and speak to someone openly about all the people I have met and know. It is fun to share all the crazy stories and explain why these people mean something to me. I guess that is how I knew Dan was really the one, when he accepted seeing the many sides of me with different groups and just embracing them. When we travel I always have a friend that wants to meet up in whatever city or country and I just love how open Dan is to meeting new people and finding out another piece of me.

-I find it funny Dan is always telling me how jealous he is that I can fall asleep anywhere, you leave me alone long enough I will fall asleep. Standing, curled up anywhere, in a closet, underneath a table, etc, I don’t need a blanket or pillow even, but that is not a talent I wish I had at all. I only know how to fall asleep everywhere because I had to, we never had enough beds or rooms in the house and since I was the youngest I didn’t even get my own bed until I was 16/17 years old. I never complained because it was just the way of life. I slept on the couch, I slept in closets to hide from my dad and brothers, I slept under the table, and once we got dogs I definitely slept with them the most because they would always alert me if someone was coming and their warmth was much appreciated. Once we moved to Minnesota Dan always mentioned he finds it odd that I am always in our room. I have to remind him I never had my own room before so even now I just sit on our bed and look out the window and get super giddy and happy that I finally have a room to call my own. You would think I would decorate it to my liking but I don’t, a part of me is still on edge that it will be taken away from me so I don’t want to pour too much of myself in something that can easily be taken in seconds. I constantly remind my kids how lucky they are to all have rooms of their own and a closet on top of that that is just theirs. Of course, being kids they don’t see what I mean after I explain my situation but I do try to keep them grounded as much as possible. I sometimes feel bad telling them what a luxury it is to have AC and Heat because we never had it consistently. Or even clean water and don’t get me started on having constant hot water and how I tell them my stories of taking a bath in cold water or having to heat up the water in pots and all of us would having to form a line to get them hot water to the person in the bath. But alas most of it falls on deaf ears but that doesn’t stop me and I still insist on them trying to appreciate everything.

-2 things I really don’t like the smell of are leather and metal, they remind me too much of my dad and his many belts. I hated the more ornate they were the more they would hurt when he would use them to discipline us. I feel bad when Dan gets me a nice purse and I don’t use it often. I have told him to not get me leather purses but all the nice brands are of course leather. I always end up getting some chitsy little kid purse instead since they are made from faux leather and never smell. When we visit Europe he is always the sweetest and offers to take me to a luxury brand store of the country but I turn him down all the time. They are beautiful to look at but the combo smell of leather and the metal grosses me out and brings back memories I would rather keep repressed.

I used to wear statement necklaces all the time and I love when I go through my jewelry with the kids and tell the story of its origin but I always have to wear gloves because even after I wash my hands repeatedly I still have the lingering gross metallic smell. I sometimes am able to convince myself to wear a necklace out but it’s pretty rare.

-I am very loyal to a select number of people that I can count on my two hands, but I also find it very easy to let go. When I get hurt from a friend I just let go and move on to the next friend and when I think about it a part of me is sad that I am able to let go that easily. Friendship breakups are odd and painful in a weird sense. I don’t mind burning bridges because life has taught me more bridges will be built. The world is very small and as much as in the back of my head I tell myself to play nice and not go all crazy sometimes people need to just be put in their place. And while the world is in fact tiny it is also very big and gives me lots of opportunities to meet new people and make more connections.

Loyalty is so interesting to me. Not a lot of people have it and once it is broken much like trust it is gone forever. Trust is even trickier and I truly only trust myself but I do have some loyalty to others. Besides the obvious, my boys will always have my loyalty and my best friends in Chicago and here in MN 1 maybe 2 have it but it is interesting to think about

-Nostalgia is so weird to me, the feeling of both sadness and happiness all at once

-the other day my oldest refused to share candy with his little brothers and while I get not wanting to share with strangers, with each other, we always share and he is the one that always takes their stuff and bullies them since he is bigger for now. I got upset with him but watched it play out as he spit in the candy to not be able to share, my two littles came over crying and not understanding why he wouldn’t share. I went over and heard his side of the story and it felt very entitled but after I asked him to share and he didn’t, I just grabbed some of the candy and ate it. My 2 littles screamed he spit in it and I told them that was fine with me. My brothers always used to spit in my stuff and I was left forced to eat it or go hungry so my son’s spit was really nothing. My oldest was furious that I ate it and then the littles ate some too once they saw it was still good and tasted the same. I reminded my oldest he can try to be selfish but really he should play those games with strangers not his brothers. Later that night he felt bad about not sharing and went on his bike to the store to buy candy to share with his brothers and they had a cute movie night. I really hope and pray they have a close relationship forever. I don’t push them to always be together because they are their own people but I do things with all 3 in hopes to have them bond and remind them they are all they have when me and Dan die.

-In one of my past ramblings here I mentioned how a woman stole my baby name which was a weird in itself and I guess you could say that was a coincidence but whatever, well this weekend I saw her and she got the same car I drive!!!! It was really weird and again could be coincidence but still what are the odds?!!! I always find it very weird to me when people attempt to copy me because you can try all you want but you don’t have the years of trauma, stays at mental hospitals and psych wards to possibly keep up so why try?! Every time I think I am the crazy one I remind myself there are clearly more crazier people than me out there so watch out

-I sometimes feel bad for artists, most of the time I envy them, but like now I am in a crunch to create something and I have nothing. I miss when my deadlines were papers and research and writing facts so easy compared to creating something organically without years of research already done by someone else. My creative juices only run momentarily and right now when of course I need them for a big project I am a blank and screwed. I will have to call my best friend and harass her for some ideas and I thank God she is typically on the same wave length as me but just better and hope she has something fresh. I used to have a friend that would inspire me just by looking at her, a muse for my creative writing and art and right now I miss her terribly and hope in a next life we have more time together.

-I am obsessed with just watching my middle son create. He is currently huge into drawing and creating his own comic book and I love watching his brain work. His stories are amazing and complex in a way that I never was at 7. I wrote books and created my own illustrations in 2nd grade too but nothing like him. I even showed him some and they were very Kindergarten and 1st grade level compared to his books. Kids in general always leave me in awe with not only how smart and pure they are but how creative and open minded they are, it is sad to see when they grow up and how society and their family life has molded some into worse but it is amazing to see when they are teenagers and some still with that magic.

-When I was younger, 2 of my brothers would make me play the slapping game. 2 out of the 3 of us would sit across from each other and slap each other. Whoever cried first got beat up, it was a terrible game and one I never wanted to participate in but being the youngest I was forced and we were home alone a lot so we had to be creative on how to pass the time. My brothers never played this game if my oldest brother was home because he would not allow anyone to hit me and I would always cling to him like glue since he was the strongest of us all. Anyway, the slapping game was terrible but worse was the blood that would come out because inevitably we would of course bleed from slapping too hard. We also only played this game in the summer so no one would see us from school and report us. I learned quickly not to cry in front of them and in their weird twisted minds I think they were training me so I wouldn’t show weakness in the future. I will never forget how my brother that reminds of the Joker loved laughing manically when he would have blood coming out of his mouth and sometimes to upset us he would spit the blood at us. He was absolutely crazy and if you didn’t fear him you were crazy not to, I think the only one who was never scared of him and his antics was my oldest brother. He was like the Dad to us when our dad was never around and would immediately put us in check. He earned our respect and we would always obey him. Playing this game made me realize though how physical pain was never really that bad and was in reality very fleeting and it was the mental abuse that I hated the most. Growing up I would always laugh when a boy from class wanted to arm wrestle or play some physical game and sometimes I let them win to make them think they could but other times I would just go bananas on them with the pent up rage and anger I had inside of me. As terrible as my brothers were I was always thankful that when it came to getting physical their stupid games filled with bruises and blood made everything else in life really easy.

But to be warned, don’t come near my face if I don’t consider you a friend because you will get hit. I hate when someone I don’t know well tries to touch my face and I get very defensive. I mean who goes around touching faces anyway so if you ask me they are just asking to get hit.

– I realized I hit old age when I started to listen to smooth jazz. I have always been a huge fan of music but obviously some genres I love more and while jazz has always been a great listen now I am listening to it more and more. We go to jazz clubs and always look for live music whereas I never really cared before or I should say I didn’t actively seek it out.

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