Adventures of Janet

-I sometimes feel bad I lack a lot of empathy for people. We all have a past and trauma that we are trying to move on from but I hate when people complain when they don’t try to get help themselves. While true, therapy isn’t for everyone and therapy can be expensive if you don’t look for affordable options but there are just so many resources available now. I wish younger Janet would have had these options instead of keeping everything inside before I exploded. I don’t take medication for my many disorders and awful past with pills, but with so much help available now it is slightly easier to handle my crazy

-Minnesota is so peaceful and calm and I never want to leave. Dan talks of a future in other places and countries and I guess as long as I have him with me and the kids close I will go anywhere. Yet, it truly feels like I am living in my good times now and these memories I am making now will be forever.

-I often go back and forth thinking if I should share all my stories with my kids because some are pretty terrible, but for now I keep it really PG and try to teach them to be smart and kind. My scary stories to them are really stories of my childhood and lessons I learned growing up. They love to hear those the most and we analyze these “scary stories” on what the main person could have done differently, what did we learn from this story, etc. They are fascinated by how many stories I always have for every scenario because to be honest I have been in many sticky situations lololol. Some truly terrifying, some lonely, some sad, and some heartbreaking, but again all lessons learned to pass down to my kids.

-I really despise nosy people. The ones that keep asking questions when they were ignored in the first place and don’t get the hint to just drop it. The ones that never read the room and think they have the right to know. When I am feeling cruel I like to add to their paranoia and just continue to ignore. Ignoring someone is one the meanest things you can do to someone besides lying to them in my opinion. But when you have enough you just get mentally blocked. And then it is worse when you can’t even mention to that person what they are doing wrong because they are also mentally unstable and don’t get help so they might explode or take offense to what you tell them in the wrong way when it is as simple if it wasn’t answered in the first place then don’t ask again. Although I do realize how awful this can be because ignoring someone is terrible but when you can’t even be blunt and tell them to drop it what else is left……

-my youngest doesn’t speak much but we both communicate with noises and looks. I know I should work on actually speaking with him (he goes to speech classes twice a week) and I do because he does know a lot and has great memory but I like this silent language of ours. I have a language with each of the kids but this one is my favorite. No words are needed when just a look says so much. He is really the sweetest in terms of affection out of my 3 and I love that he is my youngest to really treasure these moments. I love when I fall asleep on the couch and I wake up to him rubbing his nose on mine or him putting his eyelashes on my cheek. It is just so cute!

-I often feel like a terrible person for knowing how cruel I can be and never feeling any remorse. When I was younger when someone would hurt me I would hurt them right back, sometimes I would do it to see if I did have any feelings and just kept pushing them to go crazy. I never did, I even confessed to my therapist I thought I might be a psychopath for having lack of feelings and being able to hurt someone and not bat an eye. I didn’t really get enjoyment in hurting someone after the first couple of minutes of seeing them cry but I did like knowing how much weaker they could be than me. To set this straight again, I never hurt someone unless they hurt me first. I always left the innocent untouched, children, the elderly, and animals I never did anything to because in my eyes they are forever innocent and just need help if they are acting mean or bad. But the bad who wronged me would of course get it back and this was all according to my perception which could have been all wrong but I still confess my sins and sleep quite well at night.

-I fall more in love with Dan when I hear him listening to my Mexican music, all my Selena and mariachi band music. It seriously makes my heart flutter and he adds them to his work out playlist (swoon) and I can’t stop smiling. It is just the sweetest!!!

-I am in my Radiohead and Elliott Smith phase again and I can never get over how much I love them. I have seen Radiohead live 3 times and I hope to see them again with my oldest. Sadly, I only saw Elliot Smith once when he played at The Riviera before he died from 2 stab wounds that were never said to be self inflicted or not…..

-I have over 50 drafts in my account right now and debate hitting publish all or trash all

-There is this movie theatre in Chicago called the Music Box and I miss it all the time. Whenever I am back in town I drag one of my boys to go see a movie with me there. They play lots of oldies and it just holds such great memories for me. Whenever I felt lonely I would always go to the movies and enjoy myself laughing along with all the greats, Chaplin, Marx Brothers, foreign films, noir movies I never heard of, etc. Between this and the Gene Siskel theatre I spent countless hours between the 2 but the Music Box had this amazing Argentinian restaurant that was BYOB and I loved going there before or after a movie and enjoying a nice meal by myself. I feel nostalgic and almost like it was a first love, finding myself and enjoying my alone time with myself. I only ever brought 2 of the guys I ever dated to the Music Box and 1 to Gene Siskel so I never had memories of them it was only me. Dan is of course the one I brought to both but even then when we go I always find a new memory to share with him and how much fun they made going to the movies.

-Certain people get a song when I see the in my head. Like we are hanging out and I suddenly hear a tune in my head and the song is forever related to them. Some are good some bad, I laugh the most when a song my brother made up now becomes someone else’s in my head

-the other day I was at Mall of America to get my oldest son’s phone fixed because he like a fool dropped it and the screen cracked and the touch screen wasn’t working and I knew it was because the circuit board probably got messed up aka it was going to cost a lot to fix. I was fuming at the cost and mentally wanted to kill him but also I felt so grateful to be in a position where I could afford to cover the cost. It was going to take an hour to fix so I went to get Shake Shack while I waited and I couldn’t help but think of how crazy the cost was and if it were me in my younger days the amount would have covered at least 1.5 months of groceries for our family, a couple of utility bills, maybe some new shoes for the family. Ugh, I then started crying because I was mad but also feeling a huge sense of gratitude to be in a position to afford this repair. Anyways, as I was crying with my food in front of me, some guy asked to sit next to me because it was crowded and there were no tables and I said ok. He then starts talking about his wife and how excited he was to get her some jewelry for their first Christmas as a married couple. He even showed me the beautiful necklace, earring, and ring set he got her and just keeps me completely distracted from my thought process and when he finished eating his hot dog (I didn’t even know they sold that at Shake Shack) he left. I felt much better after listening to him talk and funny enough his name was Dan! I finished up my meal and it was time to head back and get the phone I stopped to think how I am so lucky I always have kind people wanting to help me. Even the Apple Store tried to find me the cheapest option to repair the phone and they ran so many numbers from trade in to just repair. Really it was very nice of them to do all that and then this stranger Dan distracted me and got me so excited to think of his wife’s reaction to the beautiful jewelry he bought for her. Like in general, I know I am extremely lucky that I always have people wanting to help me. It is crazy and I am left in awe at the kindness people show me. I know this isn’t always the case since my childhood was blah and even up until college I met terrible people, but there was always someone nice in the mix. Someone to always go out of their way to help me as much as they could and I never got that. I am of course very thankful and always return the favor to the universe in any way I can, but man, sometimes I just don’t know how I got so lucky to have random people look out for me.

-I love history, in general I love studying it and when I was little I loved learning every detail of it. Recently, my middle son has also expressed interest in the all the wars of the world. This of course got me instantly excited. We have started with American wars since it is a new country and might as well teach him his roots. I am also shocked Dan has had family here since the 1800s and we have found some have fought in the all the wars. Anyway, with his interest in history and war I of course tend to get overly excited and I always make us make a diorama of his most interested battle of said war. I wish I took pictures but when December 7th came up, we made a diorama of Pearl Harbour, we listened to FD Roosevelt’s speech on you tube and also spoke of the significance of that attack. I signed us up to volunteer to put up Christmas Wreaths on the soldiers gravesites here in our National Cemetery Fort Snelling this December and it was an experience. It was a very humbling experience and while I knew my oldest would understand the significance of it I wasn’t sure my 7 year old would but he did! He couldn’t stop reading the gravestones and seeing all the people that lost their lives during war. Both of them really enjoyed the experience and liked helping any way they could and have asked to come decorate again.

-I get annoyed when people say they wish they had my time. What they really should be saying is that they wish they had my time management skills. We all have the same 24 hours in a day, it is what you do with it that varies between you and me. At one point in my life I had 2 jobs, finishing up my masters, and thanks to my family I was able to raise a newborn, but I also was able to find me time. Friend time was rare but I managed to still be able to do some of my hobbies and again I prioritized and made time for what was important. My time management skills all stem from when I was younger, the minute I woke up I had to be smart how I would use my time, quickly eat before crazy brother woke up to hit me so I had to eat fast, gather my supplies and book bag for school, find a book and a hiding spot to read until my watch said it was time for school. Once I got home, I ironed my uniform for the next day, hung it up, worked on all of my homework since no brothers were home, showered, quickly ate, and then depending on my brothers’ schedules really depended on what I did. Some days I stayed in a hiding spot, some I was able to watch tv, when my oldest brother was home I was able to sing and paint and talk a lot with him. We all hid when my dad was home but he had an erratic schedule so we had to improvise a lot with him so to say you wish you had my time is slightly offensive. Maybe, a time management class would benefit you.

Dan always approaches me when he feels overwhelmed because he knows I can get it all done and break his tasks down easily. In reality the long list of anything is really under 10 things but when you say it all together I get it can feel like a lot so I break it down and bam we set out to get it all done. I never think that there is too much to do in a day, I know a lot of my ability to do things is my mental disorders and in reality not a lot of people are like me which is fine but I also sacrifice my sleep to get everything I want to do get done. My dad used to say sleep is for the dead and I get that more with age, I like my family time, my friend time, my Dan time but to get those 3 done I don’t always get me time or sleep. Planning isn’t for everyone and if you don’t plan or at least make a mental list of things to do you are setting yourself up to fail. Anyways, that is my rant for the day. Efficiency is key but don’t sacrifice for sloppy and half ass work.

-I often think of my dad and his many sayings, most were out there but a couple stuck true to me. One of my favorites was always to go out with shoes you can run in. Of course, being a teenager and in my early twenties I just wanted to wear heels and be cute, but I can’t tell you how many times I have had to run away from crazies and the police LOLOLOLOOL. I often think how did I get myself in this situation but too late for that when you are running. To this day as much as some heels would totally make an outfit, I am almost always wearing flats or gym shoes. I just have to be prepared for anything and I only exclusively wear shoes that I can tolerate for hours. My shoe choices aren’t always the wisest or safest but if I am comfortable in them and can run at least a mile in them I am fine.

-Being the youngest or maybe just being the only girl in the family I was always the designated translator for my parents. It was annoying at times since they didn’t speak English but my mom did understand it and my dad a little. Anyway, I hated being dragged to the bank, to pay bills, to the car dealership to buy a new car, to the doctor appts, just everything I always had to go to and I would resent my brothers for not being the ones to go instead. I did learn a lot though and I was great at haggling especially at car dealerships, when I would go with just my dad I wouldn’t haggle too much since I made deals depending how he treated us and he rarely treated us nice so there went how much he paid. He never spent money on us so I never felt bad having him pay top dollar since I would rather it go to the car than who knows where, now for my mom, I always brought my math little notebook that had all my notes on commercials I watched and various interest rates being offered. I would go as far as to bring a little calculator and do the math on the spot and then haggle for cheaper. My mom would have to pay for her own bills and I always tried to get her the best deal.

This rings true to this day when she wanted to buy something and she went with my brother and had to pay some ridiculous amount and on my recent trip to Chicago I went instead and got her an amazing deal. I don’t know what it is about my brothers but they never were good at getting deals, I have no shame especially when it comes to my mom because in my head I still always want to get her the best deal especially against big companies. I still remember being on the phone once crying and begging the gas company to not turn off our heat and having them listen to my actual sob story and thank goodness they left it on the whole winter. We all chipped in to help pay for bills but some months were just harder than others and I was always on the phone begging for an extension from some utility company.

-My middle son said something quite profound recently, he said he was bored with the kids in his class and when he looks at them he sees them but feels nothing with them or for them. He is hanging out playing football with them but in reality he would rather just have a conversation with someone or draw. I didn’t articulate this thought process until college and realized that I would be sitting with “friends” but felt nothing for them because we had no substance. My middle was so cute and said he has more fun with his brothers since he can teach his younger brother lots of things and his big brother teaches him everything and talks to him about life. My oldest son happen to overhear and said that moving forward everyone will always be boring compared to him and me since we are the most fun lolol. My middle went on to agree and said yeah, you guys are magnets and are always so smiley and everyone wants to be by you but you both give me the most attention and it feels like the sun shines on me and I like that a lot ❤ Ahhhh so cute! This is all too funny since out of my 3 kids he is the one that gets asked for playdates the most and gets invited to all the parties. He is the popular one amongst us and we are just his cheerleading squad

-There is a boy in my son’s basketball team that reminds me so much of me. He looks just like my youngest, same skin color, same haircut, same puppy dog eyes and my heart just breaks for him. His parents aren’t around and he tends to be very defensive and even calls my son names but I tell my son to let it go since I have explained to him why he acts this way. I know it must eat at this little boy that Dan is the coach and all of us are always around my son and we all take turns to show up and cheer for him. I was in the same boat, always so jealous of seeing parent’s cheer for their kids and having no one there for me. And worse, one of his grown ups is so mean to him and it takes everything in me to not get in this person’s face and give him a piece of my mind and if it comes down to it worse, but I know if I say anything much like my parents I would just make it worse for this boy at home so I keep quiet and seethe with anger. I have told my oldest son to cheer for this boy and we now bring him water and I make sure to ask him random questions, nothing personal since we don’t like talking about home life but just fun light things. I have come to find out this little boy is so sweet and so bright, speaks 3 languages and has even better dribbling skills than my son and a lot of the other kids. I compliment him like I do with own son but also tell him what I noticed and what he might improve in just like my son. It has been really nice but with the season ending I am so worried about him because what is going to be his next outlet once this ends. I hope we don’t lose him. I know I worry too much for things I am not in control of but this little boy has so much potential and I hate thinking that he might go astray. He misses a lot of school and in my head I worry it is because he is getting abused but that is far fetched right, ugh. My son doesn’t want play dates with him because he is mean at times and I can’t really explain why in detail he acts this way because telling him he doesn’t have the best home life but I just feel so bad for this kid. I wish I could talk to this little boy and be like I was you, we are the same, no need to be jealous or hate, we have ourselves and that’s all we need. We will make it, we will be stronger because of this experience but again how do I even approach this, I stay awake at night thinking about this and I hope to find some solution before the season ends.

-I grew up in a a very competitive environment. My brothers and I were always competing who was the best kid in our parent’s eyes and we would sell each other out in a second just to see the other person get in trouble. No secret or lie was ever safe and it was constant civil war in our house. You had to always watch what you said, how you acted, and how you felt. True feelings must never be revealed and only being #1 mattered.

This goes in hand with how I am now. I am the least competitive person out of anyone I know and I don’t mind losing. I am a terrible team mate and always want to be picked last in any game and don’t try to win. I am lucky to have natural talent and skill and if I really try I know I can beat some people in things, but I hate when I play against really competitive people because they get so mad and I just think of my brothers and knowing if I was better than them I would get hit so I let most people always beat me. I am thankful Dan is also like me and not competitive at all, we don’t mind losing and he takes it with great grace so he is always my favorite partner. I have to really not like you to want to win because not even prizes or money sway me but make me not like you and you will go down lolol

-I never wanted kids or to get married and yet here they have brought me the greatest joy I never imagined possible. I love hanging out with my oldest at night while he plays video games we talk and listen to music, I love hanging out with my middle son and learning so many random facts about everything that I am left feeling dumb, I love the constant affection I get from my youngest son and love of building train tracks and playing with trains all day. It just blows my mind that I never thought I would like being a parent or like having to sacrifice parts of me but it is worth it, it is all worth it.