Random Thoughts #7

****I wrote this a couple of weeks ago but forgot to revise and post it

-Have I mentioned my love for pins? I have a deep love of collecting in general but pins are so special. I love buying them from places that mean a lot. This pin board is the one my oldest uses a lot. He loves putting pins on his hats and changing them out every time he goes out. Love that he loves accessories as much as me lolol

-I recently gained some weight and as much as I hate it and can only blame myself, I do love the extra attention Dan has been giving me. We are in general, I think, a pretty affectionate couple, but when at home I usually initiate a hug or a kiss but I have noticed he has been going for it first. And I hate how much I love it. I argue in my head how nice it is and then yell at myself how I shouldn’t depend on anyone’s touches, but it does feel so nice. Anyways, come new year after I eat to my heart’s desire on sweets for the holidays I will be going on a diet and maybe join something. My therapist said I should join yoga again or maybe try to meditate but I have always hated those, but then again maybe I will try it and be more open minded. I don’t like cardio or dance classes because my knee tends to pop out and it kills so I will start simple with some yoga. My mental being I am sure will appreciate something slow. Don’t hold me to this though, I tend to be very flaky with my own goals and desires.

-Watching the Polar Express movie with the kids always makes me relate to the character Billy. His “Christmas never works out for me” rings so true to little Janet. Now, thankfully I have been extremely blessed in life and have nothing to complain about, but there are kids out there that are still little Janet’s. I think that is why I donate so much to kid organizations and Toys for Tots. I enjoy bell ringing and have done it 3 times already, but I don’t say this to brag I want to say how proud I am to be in a position to help. I have volunteered most of my life, at first it started in elementary school at soup kitchens, the church pantry, collecting items for others, I selfishly started to make myself feel better. I had it bad, but there were others much worse than me and in a weird way it gave me hope. Like yes, I hated my life but others are still out there living and trying and so I know I was just thinking weak and if they can survive so can I. One of my favorite volunteer positions was in high school being a candy cane helper at the children’s hospital and getting to play with the kids while they waited to get their therapy and treatments. It was my favorite and I am so happy I did it for years because their little faces so happy to see me and light up just to play was everything. Side thought, they had the best stickers in that hospital cart and I loved giving them away, my ultimate favorite was when the kids would decorate my face and arms with stickers and markers. I typically, hate to be touched, but I swear little kids and the elderly have a huge spot in my heart. I let them get away with so much. I stayed on until they closed the hospital and moved it and its new location was too far to get to. I do hope to go back to volunteering though once all the kids are in school.

I do absolutely love how my love for volunteering and sharing my time has been passed on to Dylan. That boy loves volunteering and in our suburb we have a big Parks & Rec and he loves signing up to help all the kids. He rarely passes an opportunity to join me in an activity and signs himself up for stuff all the time. Logan, is still a work in progess and prefers to just donate his money rather than time. I like to read to him about my favorite robber barons with Rockefeller being his favorite too and has taken it upon himself to donate 10% of his earnings just like Rockefeller however he gets them. My brother taught him how to play blackjack and won $200!!! He gladly put $20 to the side for those in need and now he has over $400 he put aside to buy some toys for tots and help sponsor a family for this Christmas. But if you ask him to bell ring or help pack food, he says no thanks, so again still working on it.

-Speaking of my love of little kids, I have no love for anyone who tries to hurt my babies. I am in general possessive and crazy so when I see one of my kids hurt like most parents I go nuts. I plot, I plan, I train my kids on what to say and how to get back at them (I know terrible!! Thankfully, Dylan is not like me and forgives and is way too kind for his own good.) I was never the one for instant revenge, but slow, patient, calculated revenge was always my MO. Recently, a fellow first grader on my Logan’s bus asked Logan why does Dan hug and kiss him at the bus stop, that “it is weird” for a guy to be doing that and while I wanted to scream with anger and go to the bus stop to flick this little kid off, I took a deep breathe. Logan asked me if it was weird, I told him to give me a minute and thought about this particular kid. I have met him before and his mom and at the time it was a very weird (yes weird, even for me) meeting but I brushed it off since Logan said he likes talking and playing with him. I exchanged numbers with the mom after she ran after me to get it. I also noticed they were Latino like me. My dad never showed affection, I can’t recall a genuine hug or kiss and the only kiss on the cheek I can remember was my wedding because the photographer was able to catch it but it was all fake. He never said “I love you.” He was “too macho” and showing affection was “gay” trust me I never agreed with his thoughts or opinions but this got me thinking to my cousins and uncles and how they also never showed affection to their kids. This worked in my favor growing up because I hated to be touched so a wave or a grunt bye was perfect. Maybe it was a cultural thing, a generational thing, who knows, but I explained to Logan maybe his friend and family show their love differently and it wasn’t wrong just different. I explained how lucky Logan was to have a dad not afraid or embarrassed to show his son he loves him and expresses it publicly. What I wouldn’t give to have my dad even pat me on the back and say “good job” or man, even “I am proud of you” I think I would die on the spot of shock if my dad ever said that, but the fact that Dan does it so openly without me asking him to, makes me, along with many reasons, fall in love with him more. Even funnier, when I dropped off Dylan at school this morning at his high school with Logan with me because he wanted to keep me company, my sweet Dylan without knowing anything Logan was thinking or about what his friend said, screamed “I love you Mom” in the busy parking lot not caring who heard him but making sure I heard him and he even sent me a finger heart in front of other high school kids got Logan saying “wow, Dylan really doesn’t care what people think of him.” And I was like yes, that’s Dylan, never caring about others opinions, but making sure the ones that do matter know how he truly feels. Needless to say, Logan asked for a hug and kiss from Dan when he dropped him off at the bus stop. I still don’t like this kid on the bus but I obviously won’t be going all crazy on him because the kid is also only 6, so hopefully Logan is able to articulate that Dan hugs and kisses him because that is how his dad shows love and it is different for everyone so not weird just different.

-Red, I was never too fond of the color since it would just remind me of the color of blood which I saw too much of when I was younger, but now I don’t hate it so much and slowly wearing more of it

-I really don’t get my Buy Nothing Group on Facebook. I post something, they say they want it, then don’t show up. If it were me and something I wanted was posted I would pick it up same day. It is weird to be ghosted on a site that is free. Oh well, I give them a day and then repost and offer it up to someone else. I have no patience and if it was garbage day I would just toss it.

-Our furnace went out and Dan went into a tizzy. Thankfully, it isn’t too cold here and very manageable especially with 2 space heaters and we are getting a new furnace asap. So really we only didn’t have heat for 2 days which is a complete blessing. Dan though, I have never seen him go into hysterics about it. He then reasoned that having a broken water heater was worse but I beg to differ. I have had no heat and no hot water for weeks at a time growing up so I think having no heat is worse since you can just boil water for a bath or shower, it is a hassle with multiple trips but doable whereas no heat prior to space heaters was a complete pain. Oh well, we have survived and this also brought a new perspective to the kids and they have donated multiple coats that they didn’t wear and both are buying new coats to donate.

-With my hibernation beginning, i have noticed the kids have been loving me home. Granted we typically leave around 7 or 8 and bedtime is at 8pm so they don’t miss us too much but both have been very clingy and it is cute. Scott goes to bed around 7/730pm so he gets us full time and rarely sees us leave. I find myself baking brownies and cupcakes at 730pm and they love helping make them. Dan gets annoyed because it cuts into “our time” but I see him also enjoying a late night snack with us. I never thought I would enjoy winter or the holiday season so much as I do now. We have started tea on Monday nights and I have been having fun buying a variety of tea for all of us to enjoy. We then really talk about our day and both open up so much more than a typically run down of their day.

-I never judge someone’s wealth based on their material things or in general I never care how much money a person has, I grew up super poor so I am not one to say anything. Anyways, what I do think about though is when someone leaves their lights on in their home, or if someone has their AC or Heat on for a long time I can’t help but to think wow, they made it! I, go around frantically everyday checking if all the lights are off, if plugs not used are disconnected, moving the heat from 68 at night to 65 in the day time. I check the gas and energy bill meticulously and give myself a little pat on the back if it went down. If the boys leave a light on like in the basement the whole night that’s it, no device for the day. I like all lights off and it kills me that my middle likes to have a night light on, but alas fear of the dark is a real thing so I oblige. When my family comes to visit they always complain how dark the house is and I am always left surprised as if we didn’t grow up in the dark and with just flashlights to get us by. I am sometimes really surprised how they forget our childhood or maybe our perceptions and memories are that different because I can clearly remember getting punished if I left a light on or if someone left the door open and heat escaped. I was the one forced to be home the most so I heard it all from my dad and how he would go crazy with too many lights on. My one brother hates the dark too and I repeat to him what my grandma told me and only bad people should be afraid of the dark since the bad spirits are mostly attracted to their evilness but he is still afraid.

-One of the Christmas gifts I got my middle kid, Logan (6) is a soldering iron kit and some practice kits. I loved soldering and remember my first time Sophomore Year in High School Electric Shop and I was hooked. I loved making my own circuit boards and learning how you can create something like an alarm clock by myself. Ahhhh, I cannot wait to teach him how to use it and got him some simple projects like a snowflake kit and electric piano. He is going to flip and I am super excited for him to learn. Last year, I got him a telescope and some chemistry kits. He went through those super fast and still plays with them so I know this will be good for him. I love his thirst for knowledge and he always surprises me with how much he can remember and how when it comes to science he is always down to learn more and more. I taught him how to journal and write down his observations about animals, life, etc and he keeps some great notes on his scientific finds.

-I am always surprised how many people don’t know the 12 Days of Christmas starts December 26 through January 6. This traditionally is a Christian holiday that starts at the birth of Jesus and ends when the 3 Kings come on January 6 also called the Epiphany. It was the travel time it took the 3 Kings (magi) to travel to find baby Jesus with the North Star guiding them to Bethlehem. Anyways, I mention this because I noticed Target started a 15 Days of Christmas Advent Calendar but I don’t know what that is! I googled, nothing, I asked workers nothing, I emailed Target nothing, I DM’d Target nothing! I just want to know the answer but alas I have to settle on never knowing what are the 15 Days. Trust me, I annoy myself with my want to know and learn and it drives me bananas and my inner most thoughts are always too much even for me but I figure it never hurts to ask.

-My other “random thoughts” posts can be found here 1, 2, 3,4.5,6