Memories #6

I have 3 older brothers (oldest, crazy, and idiot,) they are only a year apart from each other but many years older than me.

Memories of my brothers all in random order as stories just pop up in my head. I have a million stories of them but can only remember a few right now……

-As much as my brothers are crazy, I will never forget one time when I was 5 years old getting bullied and the brother that terrifies me came to pick me up. My parents were always working or doing who knows what and since I never knew who was home I didn’t know who was going to come get me in times like this. These 2 girls were being so mean to me and pulling my hair and saying really mean things and I didn’t want to be mean back because I knew what it truly felt like to be cruel so I just stayed quiet and cried. A teacher found me and the girls confessed to what they were doing and all of our parents were called. My crazy brother was the first one to come in and he was furious. He calmly spoke to the teacher and I knew shit was going to go down with him just from the look of his eyes, so I cried more and once the teacher left to get something my brother totally surprised me and cornered the 2 girls and I have never heard such vile words come out of his mouth and threats that I knew he would hold true get cast at them. He swore he would find them and beat the shit out of them if they ever touched or looked at me again. I had never been so proud to be a crazy’s sister than at that moment. They started to cry and I saw them shake and I sickly loved it. He caused them pain I couldn’t and it felt good to watch them be as scared as I was. Later when we got home, he didn’t yell at me like I expected for being weak but he explained how people loved to hurt the weak and if I didn’t want another person to grow up like our dad I had to teach them a lesson. I couldn’t expect anyone to come save me and I needed to learn to read people and see their weakness if they attacked first. He explained some people need physical pain to learn some need mental games to be hurt but eventually they would learn not to mess with me if I just watched everyone and learned their behavior. In hindsight, he would have made a great anthropologist and his teachings are what led me to study anthropology too.

-I would love to say I didn’t have bullies again (besides my brothers,) I did, but got smarter on handling them and definitely made them regret messing with me. My crazy brother was a great teacher in all things cruel, vile, psychopathic, really anything that requires pain he was my go to. My oldest brother taught me kindness, resilience, patience, and sweetness. And my other brother taught me never to trust anyone even your own blood, how to manipulate, how people can always play the victim and never grow out of that idea, how to never trust anyone not even your own shadow, how to gaslight people, and mostly how everyone is a fake. Life is a game and we need to just play to survive.

-As mean as my brothers were they were also quite nice when they wanted to be. Once they all got jobs they would give my mom money to buy me new clothes and shoes. My mom always had bills to pay and my dad never paid for anything for us so I always had hand me downs. I didn’t mind since I never liked showing my body so baggy clothes were fine by me. But OMG when I finally got girl clothes I remember freaking out, I cherished those clothes and would hand wash everything. I will forever be grateful to my brothers for that and finally getting me stuff that was pink and girly.

-Once my brothers got real jobs and were able to afford nice stuff they would always make me go shopping with them, not to buy me anything but to give them my opinion on their clothes purchases. Almost every other week I was taken downtown by one of my brothers to Michigan Ave where we went to Marshall Fields and Brooks Brothers that were always their favorite. I always preferred my crazy brother and oldest brothers tastes because they were simple, they both taught me solids was the way to go and make an outfit look simple but chic. They rarely got something with print and if they did it was for a special occasion. I learned their taste and in general learned how to dress different body types. The sales people were always shockingly really nice and would always give us pointers on how to pair things and what looked good. My idiot brother always had the out of the box taste and style. It wasn’t bad but nothing that was pleasing to my eyes so we would always butt heads on styling. To this day my brothers all dress very differently, oldest likes his sportswear clothes like Nike and Under Armour for leisure and for work it is always solid colors that compliment him very nicely, crazy brother loves fun prints for leisure but for work wears a uniform and Carhartt is his favorite, idiot brother is hit or miss, I guess technically he could be the best dressed but then sometimes he can wear something really ostentatious that leaves me wondering why he thought that was a good idea.

As nice as it was they valued my opinion I grew to not want to go to these shopping outings. They would take hours shopping like 3-4 hours and I hated missing time studying or doing something productive. I remember bringing 2 books on each outing to keep me busy and lots of saltine crackers to curb my appetite. I think this is why when I go shopping I only take a couple of minutes. I like a quick walk through the store and then anything that catches my eye I will buy and try on at home days later and return it if it doesn’t fit. I never understood why we had to spend hours in a store and how meticulous they would be about their purchases. Obviously, I never complained and would just sit silently watching and hoping they would make quick purchases which they didn’t lololol.

I did learn a lot about fashion though thanks to these outings. How to style oneself, complimentary colors, what looks good on different body types. My oldest brother was always able to charm the workers and maybe they saw how much we truly did want to learn how to dress ourselves that they would take time out to explain everything even if we didn’t buy a lot. My brothers were very smart to always go shopping during the week when it wasn’t busy and they could ask a lot of questions. I would learn to bring a little notebook and anything I really thought was interesting and valuable information I would write down with the date.

-I remember one time I was in my late teens and I happened to be in the kitchen with all my brothers and I asked them why no boys asked me out. Right away, they all started saying things why, “you are too confident, you are probably the prettiest out of all your friends, you walk around like you know what you want.” “Janet, guys at this age like low self esteem girls, girls who are pretty but not too pretty, dumb girls, and girls that don’t know what they want.” What?! I asked them to explain and what I got was that I basically am “too pretty” to be approached but if I wanted something or someone to just go ask them or take it. I shouldn’t just wait around because obviously that wasn’t doing any good. I finally did ask out a boy and got my first kiss at age 18! Sometimes when I am shy or nervous I think back to all of my brothers saying just go for it, “you walked in with nothing and if they say no you will walk out with the same but at least you know and your mind will be at peace.”

-I never understood why my brothers didn’t try harder in school. They were all extremely intelligent but so lazy. We had a knack for winning random contests so we got a lot of free things, like free bikes for a coloring contests, free set of encyclopedias for an essay contest, free food for being the first in line when a restaurant had a grand opening, etc. I mean when they actually tried they got so much and of course I would reap those benefits. I would sit along side them as we read the encyclopedias and quiz each other on what we learned. We were filled with random knowledge that always had us win trivia games which meant more prizes, it was a great circle, read, learn, quiz, win. But in actual school they did awful. I did learn from their mistakes though and as soon as I saw how easy school was and how easy it was to get A’s I completely exploited the system. By my senior year of high school I was able to cut almost every class once I got into every school I applied for college and just hang out with my friends and not get in trouble. Undergrad and Grad school were super easy in the sense I found so many scholarships and grants that it was all paid for, like as much as it sucked being poor, the scholarship money was well worth it. I just needed to keep up my grades and work hard then play harder

-I still remember when my crazy brother actually went through a phase were he wanted to get better and went to a seminary to learn to become a priest. He was a teenager and had really high hopes. He read the Bible everyday, quizzed me on it and if I didn’t get the answer right he would hit me because I wasn’t embracing God lololol, it was all fine though because I was just happy he was working on himself and I also got to learn the Bible and have him help me interpret it. Anyways, I don’t know what exactly happened but by the second year (he would go for 2 summers then back by fall for school) he changed his mind. I heard him tell my mom stories of how the priests were touching kids inappropriately and how he was finally happy to be Mexican because they only went for the white kids. But really good luck to whoever would try to mess with my brother because he would probably kill them if they tried to touch him inappropriately and unleash the crazy we all knew. It would later come out that there was in fact people doing awful things to kids and they would get fired and my brother of course never went back. I was furious with those priests because they ruined the path I had hoped for my brother to take and not be so mean to us. But as they say the Lord works in mysterious ways and my brother did become a slightly better person and volunteered everywhere and worked/works with kids. He does have a knack for being a great teacher and shows them patience I never saw but happy he is so good to other kids.

-I remember when I was in my first psych ward this same crazy brother was the first one to visit me and he really shocked me. He came in telling me how wonderful I was, how I was a Queen among women, and really just saying sorry for how terrible he was to me. It was all nice to hear but really a tad too late. I didn’t care anymore how he treated me by that age and I just learned to ignore his mean comments. I really couldn’t stand my dad and that’s who wasn’t allowed to see me because he was a huge trigger to me. Anyways, I do look back and see how he did love me in his very crazy ass way. He really would hurt anyone who messed with me and was like a shadow to all of my own crazy making sure I was ok

-Seeing as all of my brothers are very different I obviously have a different relationship with all of them

My oldest brother calls me once a week, we have a great relationship and gossip all the time. I text him a lot and whenever I come into town he frequently visits me.

My crazy brother calls me daily to check up on me and to speak with the kids. He loves getting pictures of them and I mail him things all the time from the kids (their artwork and letters) He gets so mad when my oldest doesn’t pick up his calls and I always have to explain to my oldest how much his uncle loves him and he can’t just ignore him. He is the fun uncle and when we are in town he takes them to the beach, amusement parks, buys them whatever they want, builds them custom bikes, etc, he just goes all out. As terrible as he was as a brother he is an amazing uncle and I do encourage the kids to maintain a great relationship with him. My middle son though is terrified of him because my brother does tend to yell and can look scary but at this age he wouldn’t hurt them at all. They are both so similar to each other and it is wild to see, I try to explain to both of them their dislike of one another is really because they are the same person. My middle son is definitely crazy but because we have been able to nurture that crazy into positive things he is going a different direction than my brother. They constantly butt heads though and I die at the things my middle does to get back at my brother. For instance, my brother has been dating a girl for awhile and he finally introduced her to us this summer, my middle is no idiot and instantly charmed her and buttered her up, always spoke with her when she was over, drew her pictures, complimented her and this is crazy because my middle doesn’t really do these things in general. When me and Dan left for our Paris trip I saw why my middle was the way he was, instead of being scared of staying with my brother anytime my brother hurt him he would go to his girlfriend and cry to her that he was getting bullied by my brother and really put on a show. His girlfriend would get mad at my brother and my middle would then get babied by his girlfriend and would feel protected that my brother couldn’t hurt him because he would just threaten to tell his girlfriend and my brother would stop doing whatever he was doing to upset my middle. Even now my middle won’t talk to my brother unless his girlfriend is over and he just wants to talk to her because he wants to make sure she will protect him when we have to leave him again in the summer with my mom and brother. Again, he is no idiot and just like my brother is able to find a weakness in people and exploit it if he is getting hurt. He is really a sweet kid and has a huge heart but I worry for anyone who really tries to hurt him because I see a lot of my brother in him and pray he doesn’t unleash the crazy like my brother.

My relationship with my other brother is definitely strained, we maybe talk to each other once a month if that. He in general has a bad relationship with each of us and he always just makes it worse. He does really know how to annoy us all even my mom. He constantly tries to act like the Godfather to us and always wants us to report to him or ask him permission to do things but it is like he didn’t grow up with us because we really bow to no one except our mom. We each go through life to the beat of our own drum and only play nice when our mom is around. Needless to say he gets so mad no on listens to him and especially when me and my mom don’t listen. He was my dad’s favorite so he always got the perks we didn’t and instead of sharing the wealth he had from my dad he would mock us and we grew to resent him. We would only listen to him on occasion when our dad was around because upsetting my idiot brother meant we would get hit. Some times it wasn’t worth not listening to him but most of the time me and my crazy brother thrived on upsetting him and getting hit from my dad was worth it for that moment of seeing him so mad and crying.

Even now when the 4 of us are together he is always the first one screaming because we just ignore him and discuss things amoungst ourselves. He is always jealous of everything and never grew up to play fairly. He is quite the charmer but he lacks what my oldest brother has and that is charisma. My oldest brother doesn’t talk much and is just a big teddy bear but meeting him a couple of times and it is like meeting family. He has a way of connecting with people that my other 2 brothers don’t have. My crazy brother definitely gives no fuck what people think of him and has never bothered to be jealous or talk bad about anyone unless it is to their face. He is very honest and these are all qualities I learned from him and am thankful to him for showing me to not care and to be happy in life with whatever I already have and to just live being me. He taught me to be free, for as crazy as he was he was always happy in his decisions and has never been jealous or resentful of anything. While my idiot brother always spoke bad about everyone, always was a people pleaser, always a snake, always thought of himself for selfish reasons, he always had an agenda and we all saw him for who he was and would tell him constantly how he was a bad person but he never changed and will never change. It is crazy because he is the example I follow in the sense Karma is real, he has the worst luck out of all of us, and it is like he attracts bad energy. He constantly is scared and even when he really tries to plan something to go well it always ends up badly for him. He constantly speaks ill of me and my crazy brother to my mom thinking he will sway her affection when hello idiot we have always been her favorites. You can’t change and my mom just gets more mad at him for lying about us. He taught me to never be manipulative or a snake without realizing the severe consequences that can happen. You can’t run from Karma and it will get you in ten fold.

-I remembered another story about my crazy brother. He is forever unapologetically himself and when we were little he loved littering. Growing up in the city it was always gross and garbage was always around. He loved contributing to it. One time me, him, and my idiot brother were walking around downtown Chicago to pass the time. He had taken a pack of gum from my dad and I remember thinking great, we are all going to get hit because you never take things from my dad without a consequence. He was always fine with getting hit but me and my other brothers weren’t. Anyway, he takes out a piece of gum and just throws his garbage on the floor. I usually would stay back a little and pick up his garbage without him noticing because if he did notice I was cleaning he would get mad and hit me for it. This time I couldn’t stand back because it was crowded in downtown and I wasn’t going to call attention to myself or get separated from my brothers. Well this lady comes and picks up the wrapper and gives it back to my brother and tells him to not litter. This lady was another example why I never approach people because you never know what crazy you might get. Well my brother being my brother just looked at her and threw the paper again on the floor, they did this a couple of times and I was both shocked by my brother and this dumb lady. Finally, she looks at me and my other brother asking for help but that’s the thing you never go against family. I mumbled my made up language and ignored her because it was either her saying dumb mean words or going home and getting beat up by my crazy brother and obviously words were gladly tolerated over the hits. Well, my idiot brother being an idiot, speaks and apologizes for my brother. I looked at my crazy brother and he was furious! My idiot brother to my crazy brother eyes saw him as siding with a stranger. I could tell he was not only angry but also embarrassed that his own brother would say sorry to some random stranger and throw away his trash when it was always an unspoken rule you just leave crazy alone and while in public crazy leaves you alone. We got home that night and my crazy brother beat up my idiot brother so bad. Later on my idiot brother came crying to me asking what he did wrong and I was like what the heck, he really is stupid. I explained to him what he did and how he went against us in front of a stranger and how you just never are suppose to go against blood but he still couldn’t wrap his dumb little brain around it. To this day he constantly does these stupid things and talks bad about us to strangers and then wonders why we don’t like him or confide in him for anything.

-I remember all the fighting my 2 brothers did and would always hear them calling for help, but you never come out when they are calling for help because then you would have to pick a side and for me picking a side meant getting hit by the other brother later on for days after so I would always stay hidden in one of my many hiding spots and just let them beat themselves up. I would only come out when I would hear my idiot brother crying because crazy brother never cried and that meant the fighting was done. I would then help clean them up and apply arnica on them and then pray they would be ok. One time I did come out when I heard them calling and that landed me with a cracked skull and with a scar on my forehead for life to always remind me it is better to stay hidden and away from the drama. It was definitely a great lesson learned and one I would follow to this day, drama just leads to wounds and scars and I am better left alone and hidden.

-This is a memory about my idiot brother. Again, he is really the biggest dummy I have ever met. We never fought with our oldest brother because he was always the strongest between us and really making him mad was like making a bear mad so you just let him be. My crazy brother once tried to fight him over something stupid and that landed him in the hospital with a broken arm and since then he never fought or crossed him again. Now, my idiot brother, always tried to be smarter than my oldest and would make fun of him and sometimes even fight him. My oldest brother being the smarter one let him get away with a lot that me and crazy brother would never be allowed to get away with, but I think he knew idiot brother was just different. Anyway, I remember coming home from work one time and hearing screaming outside which was strange since we kept our fights indoors. I run to the garage and see idiot brother and my oldest brother really going at it, blood everywhere, my dad and mom trying to break up the fight. I didn’t care though about that because I saw 1 of my dogs outside and worried about the other one that was my favorite. I grab the one dog and bring her inside then go calling for my other dog and no response. They finally stop fighting and my idiot brother has to be taken to the hospital and I ask them where is my other dog and no one knew where he went. At this point I am crying hysterically because this dog was basically my everything and I had put a lot of love, time, care, and money in him and he was just poof, gone. I then go walking around the neighborhood crying and asking for help with no luck. My friends came to help look for him and printed out flyers for me and I was beyond devastated about my dog. Later that night though my oldest brother found me and apologized to me about my dog. He drove me around putting up more flyers and helping me look for him. It was a very nice gesture and I am so thankful he did that for me. Even my crazy brother went looking for my dog with his two friends because he knew how much he meant to me. We never did find my beloved dog though and once I heard the full story why the fight happened I resented my idiot brother more because he was at fault according to all sides which doesn’t surprise me. He never bothered to help me look for my dog and never brought him up again. I remember when he moved back to our house because he couldn’t handle his finances his dog ran away and I sat on the porch enjoying him running around and crying looking for him. My mom made me help but it was all half heartedly, I walked around aimlessly since I had no urge to actually find his dumb dog but low and behold in some random part of the neighborhood I find his dog. I call him over and pick him up walking him home. My brother sees me and just snatches the dog from me and no thank you, no nothing, he walks away giving the dog all of his attention as I stare there glaring daggers at him. My mom thanked me and I could only roll my eyes since what else can be said to a moron.

-My crazy brother cracks me up sometimes, there were times when he would catch me crying as I got older and he would ask who hurt me and if they needed to get beat up. Obviously, I always said no, but sometimes to joke I would say it was a girl and he would always say “Janet, I can’t beat up a girl, but we can fuck up her car or house” LOLOLOLOLOL Of course I never took him up on the offer but it was nice he offered and never asked questions like what happened. He didn’t care the why’s of everything, he just saw me hurting and would try to make me feel better in the only way he knew how

-When I was younger no one ever came to my events. I learned early on to be my own cheerleader. Spelling Bees, contests, music concerts at school I knew to not look into the crowd. When I would win I knew there would be no one to congratulate me and I would walk home alone with my trophy and leave it in the living room. My brothers would say good job but there were busy with their lives so I understood and my mom was always working so I got it. I was hurt a lot and sometimes jealous of seeing others have people come cheer for them but I didn’t resent my family, I knew they had other things going on. But I do remember one time in high school, it was city championships for cross country and our school was in it. I remember thinking I just want to make top 10, it was sophomore year and I wasn’t too ambitious so I am running and I suddenly hear my name. I was like what?! I go looking into the crowd and see my oldest brother shoving his way to the front of the crowd and I was like omg someone came for me someone FINALLY came!!!! I was so excited and it really did motivate me and I ended up coming in 3rd place. My brother was so proud of me and it was so nice to hear him say “that’s my sister, that’s my sister” as he was holding my trophy and talking to everyone. He took me out to ice cream and I knew he had to take work off to be with me and it just meant so much to me. Someone finally came for me! It would be another year before he could come to another one of my events but I remember that also and it meant a lot to me.

He started to date a girl who had grandparents that really cared for me a lot when I was in high school. I met them only a couple of times before my brother mentioned that they had newspaper clippings of me and anything I was mentioned in they would cut out and frame for me. They made a whole scrapbook of just me! It was wild!! They sadly weren’t mobile and couldn’t come to any of my events but they knew everything about me that was printed. No one ever paid attention to me and even though I knew my dad read the Chicago Sun Times and I even had my picture in the sports section of it he never commented on it and while I was annoyed it was amazing to get the phone call from the grandparents congratulating me and so excited that I had my picture in it. They were really sweet and I would often go visit them to just talk and keep them company. They had such kindness that I have yet to find to this day. My idiot brother was always jealous of me and when my oldest brother would mention how proud they were idiot brother always huffed and puffed. He especially hated when they would call because he couldn’t be mean to me and I could speak freely to them about my day and week and what sports event I had coming up. They were really something special. It was a tragic day when they died and I think of them often. They shared so many stories and memories with me and their care they showed me is a debt I will never be able to repay but I do often make donations in their name and hope they realized how much they meant to me.

-For as crazy as my crazy brother is he is a hot mess in life. He is the only one of my brothers that owns a house and man was that a whole process. He would constantly call me, send me pictures of the paperwork, and always needed help with everything. I went with him to open up his bank account and that took forever convincing that he needed that not just a credit union account. He needed help with organizing his paperwork, his taxes, mailing everything in, but now I am so happy for him. He has grown up so much and even though he still needs my help like how to renew his passport which we are getting done together when I am in town it is nice to see him spread his wings. My other idiot brother constantly puts him down because he does need help with some basic things but again who is idiot brother to judge when he has nothing compared to my other 2 brothers. And again as terrifying as my crazy brother is he is still very much a little kid, still innocent, and I get protective over him because I know he just needed extra love from my parents that he was never given. I was lucky that I had my oldest brother to give me attention and even though we had nothing he always made sure to compliment me and acknowledge my achievements, my idiot brother had my dad, whereas crazy had no one.

-A huge lesson idiot brother taught me was to never lend anyone money even your own blood without a contract. One time, when I was 8, I lent him $50 with the promise of him to pay me next paycheck, but he lied and denied that I ever lent him money and never paid me back. I was devastated and as much as I wanted to get my mom and oldest brother involved I never did. I ended up taking $5 or $1 until I got $60 from him without him knowing thanks to him being an idiot and teaching me all about interest, contracts, and anything money related. Moving forward, whenever anyone asked for money I would make a contract and have either my mom or dad sign as a witness with a specific period of time that they had to pay me back or I would get a certain interest on top of the owed money. I also always took collateral like a gold chain, a ring, something really sentimental if they wanted me to lend them money. I only let my oldest brother get away with not paying on time because I knew he was good for it and my crazy brother would pay me back right away because he hated owing anyone anything. My idiot brother would often argue that I should trust him and not take all these steps just to lend him money but again all it took was hurting me once for me to learn to never trust again.

-One time idiot brother was crying about his dumb C-3PO doll being broken and I don’t know why he decided to take his anger out on me. I never touched my brothers’ toys because again I am not an idiot and didn’t want to get hit or blamed for anything so I just played with my stuff or read a book. Only my mom was home at the time and he took my beloved Jem doll and as I begged and pleaded for him to give her back because she was my only girl toy and I loved Jem and the Holograms he cracked her in half!!!! I cried so much and as much as I wanted to attack him like a feral dog my mom was home and she said to calm down and she would get to the bottom of everything and try to fix my doll. Crazy brother came home and saw what was going on and he immediately took blame for breaking the C-3PO doll since it was technically his anyway. He slapped my idiot brother and while that felt nice to watch it didn’t bring my doll back. It would take 2 weeks before my mom could take me to Toys R Us to get another doll that me, her, oldest brother, and crazy brother all saved enough to get a new one but when we walked in and I scoured the aisles for my doll they didn’t have it anymore. I walked around silently crying and wishing terrible things on idiot brother. We went home afterwards since I didn’t want another toy and I felt it pointless to spend money on a whim purchase rather than something I really wanted. I would never get my doll again and I think of that beautiful doll a lot. I could buy her on eBay and I do look her up from time to time but I wouldn’t play with her now and she would just bring back a bad memory.

-My crazy brother can make any phrase into a song and his many songs growing up I now sing to my kids. It is hilarious! He started as making up songs to annoy me because some would be mean and I would cry and of course he loved that reaction so would make more songs. Sometimes he would even have a dance to the song and he loves clapping really loud and just be really obnoxious about it. I die because some really crack me up and really I was always his main focus in these songs so I did feel slightly honored.

-When I was little, 2 of my brothers were big trouble makers, they would always stay out late and make my mom worry so much. My oldest brother was always working to help my mom and I was always home alone reading or watching tv while my dad drank the night away. My mom would have to work 2 jobs to be able to afford everything and many nights she came home exhausted but what always surprised me was that if my brothers weren’t home by 11pm she would go out to look for them. There was no cell phones, no pagers, nothing to get them home except to go out and look. Many nights she would wake me up and make me go with her and I hated it. It wasn’t my fault that they were out being menaces to society I just wanted to sleep to be ready for school the next day, but the guilt would wear on me and I couldn’t let my mother go out by herself. I definitely couldn’t really help her if something went wrong but I was always alert and could read shady people so in my eyes I was her only bodyguard. These idiots would always be around the neighborhood doing who knows what, but I was always shocked how my mom would find them, get them home, hit them for being up to no good, and then stand guard at the door so they wouldn’t try to go out again. Sometimes, she would make me sleep on the other door so they couldn’t go out that way, but I never understood why my brothers made my mom’s life that much harder. They loved being out in the street and couldn’t see the tears, the constant praying my mom would do for my brothers, all the worrying for nothing. I always would tell her just to leave them and let the streets get them but now I see being a mother I would also be just like my mom searching the streets for my boys. I would hope my kids would never do that but even if they did I would go out and find them and bring them home. A mother’s love really has no bounds and no matter how tired my mom always was she would always bring them back home and feed them. She never could sleep without everyone being home except of course my dad, dad not being home was heaven.

-Growing up in a male dominated household meant besides music and cars, sports were huge in household. Everyone had a favorite team and we would all equally die for the Chicago Bulls and Michael Jordan. We were divided on baseball teams with my oldest and idiot loving the Chicago Cubs and me and crazy loving the Chicago White Sox but we all always spoke about all kinds of sports. My crazy brother had the most influence on me regarding sports and when he had a good friend go to the University of Michigan we became huge Michigan fans. We had a big radio that picked up a Michigan station that played the basketball games, this was during the Fab Five in 1991 and omg what an exhilarating season that was! Even 1992 and 1993 seasons were amazing and we would forever follow Michigan and become huge Wolverine fans. His friend even bought me a t-shirt I still have to this day and treasure it. When applying for colleges it was the first college I applied to and when I got in me and crazy brother screamed and jumped around. Sadly, I would end up not going but that’s another story for a different post but I will never forget that moment for me and crazy brother. He was so proud of me and couldn’t stop talking about it. We immediately called his friend and his friend was so happy for me too. It was a forever great memory for me and I am still a die hard Wolverine fan and hope one of my kids goes there for college.

-My oldest brother is an amazing artist. He was always creating when he was home and I loved watching him. He was great at winning commissions from the Park District and he would get a permit to have the permission to decorate a wall or whatever they wanted. I can’t even tell you the many times he would get arrested by police thinking he was vandalizing the walls. My brother’s favorite way to create his artwork was spray painting and using an air compressor to get his paints out, the police never listened to him explain that he had permission even when he showed his correct permits. I never saw so much racism than I did when I would have to go with my mom to get him out. I was of course the designated translator in the family so I went with my parents everywhere. It was extremely frustrating because my brother never did anything wrong and he was always taken to the police station. You would think after a couple of times they would recognize him and know he had the correct paperwork but police being assholes would still bring him in. It got so bad the park district had to intervene lots of times and with threats of lawsuits they finally backed off. I never understood why the police had to be so crazy about graffiti in general since in my eyes you could easily paint over it and what is the harm in art when it is a public wall (personal property was another story) anyways, we got the last laugh and my brothers’ current jobs are a big middle finger to them now.

-Whenever we went to new places I was always apprehensive on being split up from my brothers. I knew I could trust my brothers to not harm me in public and they would look out for me the best they could but when we had to separate I always got anxious because I knew there were crueler people out there than my brothers and I didn’t want to meet them. We also did have a lot of sketchy relatives on my dad’s side so you really could never trust anyone.

Our first visit to Mexico that I could remember I met a lot of my mom’s family side. All very nice but of course I trusted none of them. When one of my uncles asked my mom if he could take me for a walk, I immediately went on high alert because again I hated being away from my brothers in new situations. My mom agreed and as I was stalling to go I overheard my crazy brother ask if he could join us because I knew he knew we shouldn’t be separated but my mom got mad at him for insisting and kept telling him no. I finally am going on a walk and my uncle could tell I was scared and panicking because I didn’t understand why I had to go on this walk with basically a stranger, but all my worrying was for nothing. Thank goodness! We walked for a bit, stopped at the local plaza and he found out how much I loved meat and got me small barbacoa tacos. I must have eaten like 15 of those mini tacos and he bought me orange juice too! He would end up being my favorite uncle because he would always take me on walks to buy me tacos and juice, but he was my favorite because he never was nosy like others. He never asked about my family life or my dad and he only asked about me and my hobbies. I came to find out I would be his favorite niece because my mom was his favorite sibling and I looked so much like her. Anyways, I would feel bad always leaving my brothers so I convinced my uncle to buy tacos to go for them and they would always get super happy to get tacos too. I never did forget how crazy brother reacted to me being alone with a stranger and I felt very loved by him for wanting to protect me.

-To give a reference to how very different my brothers are I remember my brothers always gave me books to read at a very early age and I would have to then explain the book to them in detail what I just read. Who knew they would be so great at teaching me reading comprehension so young.

Anyways, my oldest brother gave me all my favorites Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Greek Mythology, Star Wars, Shakespeare, I had a bad speech impediment when I was little and he introduced me to poetry to read out loud for him. All the Romantics were our favorites, Keats, Byron, Shelley, but also Whitman, Browning, Cummings. My love of Bronte, Poe, and Oscar Wilde all came from him too. He also loved introducing me to all artists so biographies on not only Van Gogh and Degas but also Warhol and Pollock really any known artist and techniques we would both read and learned so much. My crazy brother gave me more practical books like the Bible, the Emily Post book of etiquette, newspapers, biographies on great leaders like Washington, Kennedy, Churchill, Napoleon, and even Stalin. Crossword puzzles, car manuals, how to books, I remember even reading a nutrition book he randomly found and he quizzed me on lolol. The Beat generation was his favorite to give me when he felt like being fun and I found my love of Kerouac, Ginsberg, and Burroughs which is very fitting for him. Idiot brother gave me comic books, the periodic table of elements, astrology, physics, The Art of War, anything Leonardo Da Vinci, architecture books starting from Chicago’s own architecture to the world’s, and of course all Great War and battle books. Everything with this brother was about strategy and you must never play mind games with him because he will always win if not prepared properly.

The three of them gave me life long lessons

Oldest-How to Dream

Crazy-How to Survive

Idiot-What to do in case things go awry lolol aka BS my way out of anything with random info that somehow connects us

Their very different views of life gave me such an interesting perspective on my own life. While being mean they were also so smart and never saw eye to eye on anything. I hated seeing them physically fight but when it was a verbal match it was amazing to watch and listen to, all of their back and forth and battle of the brains. I would never chime in though because I could never beat them but I definitely took lots of notes on their wit and quick come backs.

My brothers also taught me to never think I was better than anyone. To this day I know my place and never judge anyone without fully watching and knowing someone. People are full of surprises so even initial judgements are wrong too. I think this is the reason why I really can’t stand people who brag or people who think they are better than anyone. I always hated when people would think something of me and I am thankful even though we grew up poor we were always educated and knew how to act in public.

I find it funny when people want to play mind games with me without them fully knowing I have been playing mind games and gaslighting with my family my whole life. It still goes on to this day, I like to think it keeps me young and on my toes but who knows. In the end I am fully aware we are all crazy and have multiple mental disorders but whatever what is done is done and we really only hurt ourselves. Playing games with us is not for the faint of heart, we have sent each other to multiple mental hospitals and if we feel you crossed a line it is game over. I go back and forth who is the worst of my brothers to cross, definitely not crazy because the minute he feels you crossed him he comes at you swiftly and quickly, oldest is the king of patience and lets time be his best friend, idiot is the worst and you always feel like you have to look over your shoulder constantly because you don’t know when he will strike and he has no limits.

-“Janet, there is always going to be someone better than you, prettier than you, just in general better than you, but know you are amazing as is, no need to compete when you are already at the top. Just be nice to people” profound words from my crazy brother during one of my mental hospital stays.

-My brothers loved volunteering, I think they liked it because it got them out of the house and my mom loved it because it got them out of trouble. If someone needed help the church, the hospital, the school they would always sign up. My love of volunteering came of course from them and I was happiest when I was with them helping in anything. Time was very precious but when we were younger that’s all we had, we had no toys, no games, nothing really so we used it reading and helping around the neighborhood they terrorized lolol. I always found it ironic how they would fix up anything they had broken with their loser friends the night before

-They would always go around shoveling snow or pulling weeds out of neighbors’ yards for some pocket money and I noticed they never charged the same for anyone. They were smart to charge those who could afford it more and those who couldn’t they would barely charge them anything. Up and down the block we would go and in my memory it was so much fun. I was in charge of the smaller work and I loved just spending time with my brothers with no fighting. My oldest brother made sure to always divide the money in shares of 5, 1 for each of us and 1 for my mom. We never complained and just took what he gave us and we were free to spend it however we wanted.

-Since the library was our best friend when we were younger, 2 of my brothers thought it would be a great idea to print out adoption papers and fill in my information. When they showed it to me I cried and cried, I was hysterical thinking I was adopted and when my mom came home she was really upset because I was unconsolable. When my oldest brother came home he was furious and made them explain to me in detail how they did it and it took a trip to the library to find the book and show me it was all a lie. I finally calmed down and my brothers felt really bad and even took me to get Italian Ice which was my favorite. They didn’t bully for the rest of the week so that was actually really nice too.

-I remember when I was little my mom wanted to shave my hair off as it is in Mexican tradition but I loved my beautiful long hair and refused. I cried and cried as my dad held me down and my mom shaved it all off. I remember being curled in a ball and rolling around my hair crying and crying. My crazy brother came home at that moment and he saw me and asked what was wrong and when my mom told him, he offered to shave his head too. My mom was surprised and was about to shave it when he looked at me and asked if I wanted to shave it off for him. I stopped crying and immediately went for the shaver and shaved his head. My mom fixed it up after I was done since I didn’t do a good job but it is a memory I’ll never forget. He helped sweep up the hair and explained to me it is just hair, it will grow back and it won’t be as hot. He always made the things that were a big deal for me and made me cry a lot seem so easy and that it would be ok. Maybe because he was the craziest I figured if he was ok with it then it would be ok, if crazy an do it I can too mentality.

-I guess idiot brother wasn’t all that bad. I remember when he was in college he taught me a lot about circuit boards, ohms, watts, etc. He was going to school to become an electrician and while I was the guinea pig always getting electrocuted I didn’t mind too much since he would explain what he was doing and I got to use a soldering iron a lot. When I ended up taking AP Physics in high school it was really easy because I knew more than half of the material thanks to my brother. When I took the AP test I got a 5 and was really proud of myself.

He also bought me my favorite purse to this day for my birthday one year on a whim and that was very nice of him.

-I die thinking when people assume how weak I am because of how I may act or what I look like when in fact besides being really smart I was taught by 3 great men how to fight. My oldest brother was the best and when he would go to his boxing lessons he would come home and immediately teach me everything, we would practice on his punching bag and it was a delight to bond with him over that, my crazy brother loved the discipline martial arts taught and he was really good at Taekwondo and while I hated him practicing on me he would always teach me everything he knew, and my idiot brother was always about cheating and it always felt like guerrilla warfare when with him. I bled the most with him and we would beat the shit out of each other when it came down to it. Out of my 3 brothers though he was the one I was equal in strength and would be 50/50 on winning a fight. I never backed down on a fight with him because if I ran scared he would make sure to tell everyone including my friends and make fun of me, plus I knew I had a good chance of taking him down.

We had a lot of physical fights with each other but I did love how we always had an unspoken rule, no weapons ever. Just our fists and feet. Hair pulling was ok since according to my 2 brothers people might pull my hair and I must learn how to get used to it but also how to defend myself from any attack. I often wondered what attack they thought would come to me but whatever I didn’t and couldn’t question it so we would just fight. I can’t say I really liked fighting because obviously no one should but my brothers loved it and in the end I am happy they taught me a lot in the fighting sense of life just in case. We still fight to this day and our significant others are not allowed into our fights. I never fight with my oldest brother but sometimes idiot brother will try his luck and crazy brother still fights with idiot and me depending on the day. There isn’t as much blood and now I just run outside if it is getting out of hand but man I keep thinking when will it stop because I get tired of fighting. Even now, I just rather drop to the ground and play dead because I hate the violence of it all, I just hate fighting unless my life is on the line and I would rather walk away.

-I do have to say my brothers never treated me differently for being a girl and this is just one of many reasons I am grateful to them. They never made me feel inferior or belittle me for being a girl. My dad was the same and punishment was equal for all of us. My brothers never babied me and explained no matter gender or race we are all equal and we all bleed the same. I never questioned where I stood in life because they only judged on how smart I was at home and how I behaved in public when outside. If one of their friends said I couldn’t play with them because I was a girl they would unite and voice out that it didn’t matter and I was a part of them and insisted I play. I wouldn’t really notice a difference in treatment about me being a girl until college when I would see boys get better treatment than me and I was livid. Maybe I was sheltered too much and believed that people shouldn’t be judged on what they were but who they were inside and when I saw the injustice I would definitely voice it out, “Janet, you are being too much, Janet you are being dramatic.” The fuck, you want you want to see dramatic let me just burn this shit down, but no I couldn’t act out and would have to calm myself and find ways to get back at the professor or the fellow student. I now see how fortunate I was to have my brothers never mention my gender but only make fun of my own stupidity and lack of knowledge in things. I teach my boys the same thing, girl/boy doesn’t matter, what matters is how aware they are in life, how smart are they not only book smart but street smart. Are they a good person to not only others but themselves too? Dan teases I am too paranoid because I will teach my kids the most random things like etiquette classes on the weekend, how to hold a cup, how to eat soup properly, which fork is for what, proper conversation but also how to be able to spot a shady person, what to do if attacked from behind, etc. Just really out of the box stuff that my own brothers would teach me and shockingly have helped me a lot in life. Like my brothers taught me I teach my kids everything far and wide. I want them to be educated not only school smart, but every smart possible. I want them to grow up to be good people but not get walked on and I know that is exactly what my brothers wanted for me.

-Our house was always a battlefield, we rarely had quiet days and someone was always crying or screaming, but now that I have quiet it is weird. I sometimes do miss my brothers and all the chaos they brought, the adrenaline rush of hiding or being quizzed. I always have music on now to help sort my thoughts and I sometimes yearn for my younger days which is crazy and makes me think I have some type of Stockholm syndrome. My kids are of course loud and busy but nothing like my brothers.

Even though my relationships with my brothers could be better, I am very thankful for my colorful upbringing. They taught me all so much and for that I am forever grateful. I am this strong independent women entirely thanks to them and their crazy lessons in life but again I see now why they did some of those things to me and pushed me so hard in life. I don’t think anyone has brothers like me and in a sense I know how lucky I am to have 3 different “special” brothers all to myself. That no matter what, they will always come to my aid if I need it and they are always around for me.

I am feeling mushy and I am thankful to them to show me to never be jealous of anyone, that patience in revenge is truly a virtue, never to show how one feels in public and only in the comfort of trusted ones, that life is a game and we will always win, sometimes just walking away and never talking to a person is the best, being called boring is a huge offense, first impressions or really any impressions don’t matter-people will always hide who they are and it is just a surprise in the end so don’t get mad at them that you were too stupid not to see who they were just get smarter, don’t ever think you can win anything without fully knowing who you are going after-people aren’t what they seem so the biggest mistake you can do is underestimating someone, if someone really wanted to hang out they would make time, and mostly how to love oneself because when all else fails we only have ourselves to depend on the most.

-It is almost ironic I now have 3 sons of my own and I definitely see alot of myself and brothers in them. This is where I think we are definitely all just a copy of a copy because my oldest is just like my oldest brother, so sweet and kind and always wants to help. My middle is legit crazy but we are working on doing good with it rather than bad, and youngest really has that IDAF attitude like my idiot brother. I really work with him to be a good person and not lie and cheat but ugh nurture only works so much when fighting nature.

Everyday, I do teach a lot of the lessons my brothers taught me to my boys. I am not as extreme as my brothers, but I do see their personalities and give them stuff that I know they will enjoy. They are individually strong in certain aspects, but when I get through with my teachings all 3 will be strongest together. I hope they see that together they will be able to achieve so much and just have to support each other. I don’t want them to grow up like me and my brothers all disconnected but to grow with each other and depend and rely on each other for everything. They are not alone and I know as long as I am alive I will encourage their sibling relationship. The other day my oldest asked to take my middle to the movies and I got super excited and happy. He paid for their movie tickets and dinner and just hung out. This week they will be going to the batting cages and I want to scream in happiness but obviously play it cool in front of them. I just love that they are hanging out together and enjoying this time with each other.

Extra……..

A snippet of my daily conversations with my crazy brother

“Janet! Janet!! Look at these Tom Ford glasses I bought from some guy on the street for $60. I looked them up and they are legit, normally cost over $400! He wanted $200, but I be playing that gabbin game with him and got it down to $60. How do I look, should I keep them or sell them for $200?” LOLOLOLOL Like only this brother would run into someone selling sunglasses on the street

“Janet, look at all of my new Joker toys. Are you jealous?” Me-“Hey! Aren’t those some of my Batman toys, wait is that my Cat Woman car?!!!” Him-“I don’t know what you are talking about,” then hangs up on me LOLOLOL

-“Janet, my friend saw one of your old pictures in a fashion magazine you were in and they couldn’t believe you were my sister. Don’t worry I told them you are fat now like me and still a bitch.” LOLOLOLOLOL like what, why must he say these things and forever be unfiltered

Snippet of my idiot brother’s conversation, we only really talk to each other on Instagram

This was actually really nice of him to say and surprised me