Here is the last Random Thoughts post if interested- #8
-My brothers always told me I just have a resting b face and never make eye contact unless a person makes it clear they are talking to me, so they told me no one would ever want to be my friend. I get too easily distracted and don’t look around at my surroundings especially if I am with my kids or Dan, I just stay hyper focused on them and the million voices in my head all talking at once. My oldest always takes the lead and looks around for any odd characters and locates his fire exits in case of an emergency so I definitely am in my own little world if I am with him.
-I don’t know why and it sounds terrible but I sometimes feel the overwhelming guilt of being born pretty. I know it sounds bad and first world problem, but I have constantly seen and heard how people get treated because of their looks. It took forever for me to be comfortable in my own skin but I always felt bad how people would always say to my family, “she is so beautiful though, shame she isn’t all there in her head.” Like I was a waste because I had nice looks but obviously not all there in my brain. I couldn’t help how I look or how messed up my head is, people always expecting something from me and when I didn’t want to talk to someone I was automatically a bitch. Too conceited and didn’t care what others wanted, when in reality I am terribly awkward and just like different things. If you approach me talking about baseball, sci-fi, history, lord of the rings, food, comic books, or even makeup I open up instantly and talk a lot but ask me where I bought my clothes or gossip about someone in poor taste I close up instantly and go to run away. I could never really gossip except with Dan and it is really just talking about sports and food, our gossip is boring since we both don’t like talking about people and don’t care about material things so we just talk about our memories and trips to come. I have let myself go these past 2 years to get a view on the other side and I can see how it does affect how people perceive me but at the same time I get a sick thrill knowing this isn’t my forever weight and I find it fascinating how people treat me. I have started to take my daily hour walks and I have lost 20lbs! I still feel huge but damn 20lbs just from walking and eating somewhat healthy. Imagine if I keep this up, bitches beware (just kidding, I am very nice unless you do something to hurt me or what’s mine.)
-I also have this problem where I am my own guinea pig and always do tests on myself to test my own theories. I used to want to write case studies on my own findings of how society worked but I got lazy and now just do it for fun, but then wonder have I lost myself in all my crazy testing.
-I was recently listening to shuffle on Spotify and this song came on and the line “we’re meant to be, not made to last,” struck me. This one line would have helped me so much after my first love broke up with me. I loved him for years after and it took years to finally let go and when I did I found Dan, but this line would have made perfect sense to me. Oh well, I am happy I heard it and will be passing it on to my kids if they have any bad breakups and hope this line helps them.
-If you would have told younger Janet she would like being a mother she would have laughed at your face. I have always enjoyed playing with kids and have lots of patience for other kids but I never imagined my own. I have a lot of flaws and didn’t want to pass those down to my kids, but man, do I love being a mother. I love smothering them with all the affection and love I never got and spoiling them so much. I never thought I would be part of booster clubs or PTA committees, like who am I, but love it.
-I remember once my dad sitting down while I was watching Gossip Girl and him telling me I was dangerous and boys would never come to me. He went on to explain that I enjoyed my own company too much. Boys wouldn’t like how independent I was and how I thought I was my own funniest person. Most days after work I would go home, eat, then change to go out for the night but some nights if the old theatre was playing a favorite silent film or older movie I would go by myself and watch it then have dinner somewhere by myself. My dad never really showed that he cared what I was doing so I was surprised when he mentioned these things to me and how boys wouldn’t like someone who likes being alone so much. I didn’t understand what he was saying until years later and boys would tell me the same thing. How they couldn’t stand that I didn’t make them feel loved and I would just go off by myself without telling them where I was going or with who. I honestly didn’t think it was big deal since I would just be by myself but I would say that they would get offended and hurt. It took me years to fully open up to Dan and really show him all of my quirks and weirdness, to this day I surprise him constantly with a story or a hidden habit that I forgot I had. He embraces all of me and never questions when I disappear or run off and it is so nice. He knows to mingle with our friends and I will always comeback like a boomerang to him. If I take too long he does text to make sure I am ok since I also do have a habit of sometimes meeting the oddest characters, but if anything I am mostly to be found sitting by myself staring blankly in my own thoughts.
-I really don’t like when people make fun of something someone finds happiness from, like why is a hobby a bad thing? Thank goodness I have kids that introduce to the oddest of hobbies and likes but I love learning about all of them
-I am heading to Chicago tomorrow to drop off my kids with my mom and my brothers and I have so much anxiety about it. I know my kids will be happy and safe but I worry for my middle son. My family has a nasty habit of showing favoritism and he is clearly not the favorite and I hate seeing him sad about it. I did get him a lot of fun things he can play with by himself and I will be texting him a lot via his iPad but I just hope they don’t break his spirit. He is my exact personality and it can be a lot and I know only too well how it feels to be left out for being different and it makes me sick to my stomach. I have almost cancelled this trip so many times because I worry he will be lonely and sad, but thankfully Dan’s mom has offered to watch him for a couple of days so I know he will get individual attention from her.
–Current playlist of mine on Spotify, if you have one please share. I love music –Janet’s playlist
-Making some last minute bracelets for my trip
– I do love how supportive Dan and the kids have been in my new hobby of bracelet making
-I still cant believe I leave for my trip in a couple of days, tomorrow Chicago, Tuesday Paris ahhhh
-I cry a lot so I sometimes feel like I don’t even know if I am crying for any reason, I bet this happens to others and wish I could start a crying club like we all have a drink and just cry to cry. It would be a safe place and we don’t need to tell others why we are crying we just cry. My brothers loved calling me a cry baby because I would walk around the house just crying and wailing for no reason to them and sometimes no reason for me but I always felt better just letting it all out.
Adventures of Janet 