I often think how hard it must be to grow up now in this generation. Thank God I didn’t have social media growing up because Dear Lord would it have been terrible. Even college snaps would have haunted me for years. I sometimes forget how hard it is to just be living and trying to find yourself. I hope people are able to love themselves and think of themselves more often than comparing themselves to others and not being happy with what they already have in life.
I always found it weird but in retrospect I guess it wasn’t weird how when a guy would break up with me I would cry and cry during the breakup and put on a real big show but then the next morning be ok with it and delete them from my phone and Facebook. Easily move on, then months later I would see them somewhere since I would just ditch that friend group they belonged to and find a new one and when we would cross paths more than a handful of times the guys would say how surprised they were I never called them or never tried to reach out to them to get back together. This is why I say my perspective is very off at times because if they broke up with me and if they were waiting for me to call why didn’t they just call or try to find me. Once someone breaks up with me or ends a relationship I cry it out right then and there and move on. I have always lived with the idea that tomorrow is a new day and in a world of billions of people no need to dwell on one person. So then I think I must be an amazing actress to make them think they were the one and they had something over me to come to them to beg them to stay. I don’t know, either way, I am all about just worrying about myself and moving on. I try to instill the same thought process to the kids, if you fall out of like or love with someone breakup, be kind, but end it. Don’t cheat! Take it day by day and your person will come.
Before meeting Dan I was perfectly happy being by myself or dating losers in the meantime knowing nothing would come out of it, one foot out the door was always my MO, but it is weird when you meet the one. I went around thinking and believing no one was made for me because if I am being honest I am a HUGE handful. I have been in multiple mental hospitals and saw too many psych wards so I can only imagine how dealing with me even as friend can be too much. How I met and married Dan sometimes still surprises me. Like, not to say I don’t feel like I deserve this but who would have ever thought little Janet would get married and be genuinely happy. Not me!
He seems to curb my crazy and I sometimes even say sorry which again is so hard for me say. I think of my dad yelling at us to never say sorry and to not just be an idiot and do something stupid. “Sorry never gets you anywhere Janet so just use your brain next time and don’t speak.” Sometimes I am just waiting for the ball to drop and Dan to wake up and see the ugly that is within me and just leave. He claims he won’t and I have shown him many sides of Janet but still you never know and I pray that day never happens because I hate to admit it but just as much as he is obsessed with me I am of him.
I am shocked though how easy this relationship feels compared to my past relationships. It is easy as breathing and our arguments are just me being bored and provoking him to snap but he has caught on and instead just plays along but doesn’t really rile himself up anymore so it has become boring. He has somehow been able to predict when I want a fight and will distract me with talking about a trip, a memory, a funny story and then later I seethe I didn’t get the argument I wanted but then giggle that this was much better and then I go back to being annoyed because how dare someone predict me, the nerve! His gentle touches really reel in my crazy and this is why I think he constantly holds my hand. Almost like if I don’t hold it I will drown and I hate being that dependent on something so trivial. I should just accept everything and embrace the happiness but that seems too easy and growing up in what felt like a battle everyday this calmness throws me off.
Some pictures and memories of my Dan since we moved to Minnesota
Even though I didn’t get much love growing up I am making up for it now and hope everyone finds their person. Breakups are so hard but I always think that it was meant to happen. This pain was put here so we could grow from it and become stronger. I hope everyone finds their love either within themselves and if they have that already then with share it with someone else. I am very lucky I have always had that self love but finding someone to share it with is MAGIC
Adventures of Janet 