For as long as I can remember I have struggled with lots of mental disorders. I can’t think of a day I don’t wake either dreading the day, hating life, or my favorite, feeling numb. I absolutely hate it because by all freaking means I should be happy, I have a wonderful life, I have a great group of friends, I have an amazing family, I am able to do whatever I want, I have a house that is mine, but no, when I think too much it all means nothing and if I dive even further nothing will make me happy. How I am married with kids and still alive is beyond me.
In the back of my head when I wake up I think fuck not another day, but then swallow that thought down because I have 3 amazing little boys that depend on me and it is very selfish of me to think like this because I am a mom above all else. I am me and I love myself very much and am my own favorite person but with that I absolutely hate myself too. How do people manage living like this, why must mental problems exist? It is like playing Russian roulette every morning to see which Janet the world will see today. I am pretty consistent with the kids and Lord help Dan because he is the first to witness whichever Janet appears for the day but ugh it is so tiring.
I hate the roller coaster of emotions that come to me every day, I hate the mood swings, I hate constantly feeling guilty for feeling in ways I shouldn’t, I hate how weak my mind can get because I am not fucking weak, but alas here I am.
I can still remember my first attempt of ending it all at age 10, but then one look at my dogs and I felt bad leaving them when without me no one would be there to protect them. I took their hits so if I was gone no one would be there and so I put the knife down and now I have my 3 kids and my own family I can’t leave. I am obviously not going to end it because I am living the best life right now but man the crazy in me gets the best of me sometimes and it really is the worse.
What I wouldn’t give most of the time to feel “normal” to just be boring and be content with life. Thankfully, I am happy everyday but that happiness is very fleeting and even though I’m happy every day it lasts at most a couple of minutes before the terrible thoughts seep in.
I can handle most of my crippling thoughts and disorders but I hate when I get a panic or anxiety attack because I can’t control my body. I remember going to anger management when I was younger and reflect a lot how the rage in me has simmered but it is always there. Always wanting to break free but I can’t because I have no right to get angry most of the time or see red for no valid reason. I wish I could go back to those classes and tell my younger self to take them more seriously, I guess I could go now but I would rather go see my therapist and talk it out with them. Ugh, life is pretty great and tolerable but my mind makes it so hard to even breathe sometimes.
I am grateful I am very self aware, when the thoughts of hate and sadness leak in the logical side of me loves to shut those thoughts down. “Shut up Janet, you have the whole world and should be grateful, stop complaining and get it together, you are better than this, quit be a weakling and stop whinging about nothing.” Ugh, but having so many thoughts circulating around my head constantly gives me a headache. I do find relief though in something as simple as Dan holding my hand. He has a calming vibe for me and has a way of getting me out of my thoughts. It also drives me mad because I hate that someone else technically has power over me and how I feel. I want that for myself I want to be able to control these emotions without medicine and without someone else. Who knows if that will ever happen though so for now I greedily take anything Dan gives me and don’t tell him of the effect he has on me.
I do notice some of my “craziness” in my middle son and thankfully I know how to make him feel better since I feel the same way he does or have been in a similar situation. I keep reminding myself this is why I am alive to help him be able to live a happy life. It is wild though how genetics play a factor in life and how similar he is to me. I know when he has that look and I can see shit is about to go down unless I help him through whatever emotion he is feeling. He is more logical than me and way smarter than I was at his age so I have faith and know he will turn out way better than me.
It is almost always too easy to say get help, talk to someone, it gets better. Well no duh it does and yes I could talk to someone but I choose not to at the moment, I can easily take medicines but I don’t want to, this crippling feeling has been one with me since I can remember and changing that is so hard. It is almost like a friend or drug that I hate but tolerate because it is all I have ever known. I can see why addicts have a hard time letting go or I should say getting past their addiction because I am the same way. I don’t want help, I don’t want to get better, but then I get the feeling that maybe I do want to get better but then I fall again and I am in square one. It is a constant up and down, I am always torn in a million pieces debating every scenario of how I should feel and how I really do feel.
Today just happens to be a down day, I will be fine tomorrow and will be back to my pleasant self in no time. Don’t confuse this post as me complaining or bitching. My disorders don’t define me and while they do make me feel lots of things I am also happy, funny, lovable, and a great friend. I get this way all the time but especially around my birthday and holidays. I just wanted to vent.
We all are fighting that good fight, so Godspeed to us all and I hope you know you aren’t alone.
Adventures of Janet 