Random Thoughts #2

-Growing up I was never jealous of a person’s material things. I think it was just growing up poor and knowing I could never afford something so what was the point in wanting it. I knew I would get whatever I wanted in due time when I went to college and got a great job. I was confident that being poor was only momentarily and thankfully it did turn out that way, but I do get jealous for random things. Like my left hand gets jealous that my right hand writes better or that my left knee is stronger than my right one that likes to pop out randomly and give me excoriating pain. I think the only time I was genuinely jealous of someone was because of their handwriting. I had known this girl since 1st Grade and we were good friends and one day during 6th Grade I was helping grade papers and I came across hers and I stopped and admired the beauty that was in front of me. Her cursive was like calligraphy, she had no special lessons, no real practice in writing but OMG it was beautiful. I even went out of my way to ask her to give me lessons on writing. I paid her $0.25 a week and she would write out the alphabet and sentences and I would trace as if I were in 2nd grade again learning how to write. My writing did change but sadly nothing like hers. I did eventually take a professional calligraphy class in my 20s, but I was also disappointed that my writing turned out nothing like hers. I often think of her and her beautiful writing and hope her kids write like her. I still kept those practice papers and sometimes I do take them out to admire her writing all over again. I wish I told her more how special I thought she was because she was a little lonely and sad sometimes, but as kids we don’t really know how to say those things or too scared to feel weird that we just keep quiet but her natural skill left a big impression on me.

-I made 1 solid friend in college. My Moira, she is so nice and funny and I remember her dating a guy that rubbed me the wrong way. It drove me crazy when she would tell me he knew we hung out because her voice would be higher than normal. I was deeply offended he knew a tell of mine and I never even noticed it. He was way too observant and I didn’t like it lolol. They broke up for other reasons, but I do think about how many others notice when their friend hangs out with me and their voice is higher than normal.

-I was always labelled as hyper and crazy in school. I don’t think people realized how happy I was not to be home, that the minute I got to school I would be jumping off the walls fully knowing I wouldn’t get hit or yelled at, I had straight As my whole life and was always one of the helpers and rarely got in trouble. I only ever got in trouble for talking too much but the worst that happened was I had to sit at the silent lunch table but Laney would then get in trouble on purpose and we had our own sign language so we would sit silently signing away and giggling at our own jokes. I really felt bad for the kids with abusive parents this past year because if their family life was anything like mine and I know a lot of them have it worse it just makes me cry that nothing could be done to help them. No meals, no friends, no escape, nothing, they just had to endure it. I just really felt terrible for those kids because I know if it weren’t for school being my escape who knows where I would be now. I hated summers but I knew it was only a couple of months and then back to school, back to my safe haven.

-I remember in college meeting a boy for the first time at a party and this girl who pretended to my friend up until that point told the boy while I went to use the bathroom that I was “walking drama.” Of course we hung out afterwards and he told me everything she said, but I couldn’t disagree with her. I could see that she had a point and also warned the boy that maybe it was a bad idea to hang out with me because I had a lot of crazy going on. He didn’t listen and we did date for a bit, besides Dan he was the only other genuinely “nice” guy I dated. We broke up amicably which was very surprising for my track record and our last meet up it was super friendly and really nice to reminisce and catch up. He walked me home and we hugged good bye and that will forever be my favorite break up.

-Another girl I met in college was named Karen (of course) and I really thought we were good friends. I was dating this guy that I later found out she liked too, but never made a move and she never mentioned it to me because we met after me and him started dating and she turned out to be crazy. That is saying a lot because I know I am crazy so I don’t use that word lightly but she really was. So after me and him broke up, she met up with me and started saying I manipulated her to think and do things she never wanted to do. Ummmm what?! I had no idea I was Svengali but she went on and on about it. Ok, fine I dropped her like she was hot and later I would meet new people and they would say “oh, you’re Karen’s Janet,” as if they knew everything about me. Most of them would later say you are nothing like what Karen said and I wouldn’t bad mouth her because Chicago is in fact really small so it would get back to her and I had too many other new people to meet and hang out with, so why bother. A couple of weeks later, my ex that she loved started dating various girls but also still texted me and called me every chance he got. I would sometimes agree to a random hook up since I wasn’t serious with anyone and there is comfort in being with someone you know. We only really broke up because we both had wandering eyes, but were too jealous to be in an open relationship. Anyway, months later I see Karen working at Macy’s right across the building I work. I was with a bunch of coworkers and we are laughing and walking through the cosmetics section when I suddenly hear “Janet” I turn I see her and give her an awkward hello and leave with my coworkers. She chases me down and asks me to meet up with her afterwards and I agree since I was needed to kill time before a movie I was going to see at the Gene Siskel Theatre nearby. She proceeds to tell me she is now dating my ex, they rent an apartment together, and he got them a puppy. She also decided to tell me she lost her virginity to him and also has been using more drugs. That was a lot to take in because I just thought we would have fake niceties and I would leave, watch my movie solo, and then meet up with friends for drinks. I just nod my head, act intrigued, and say good bye but with her asking to meetup for drinks after my movie. I lie and say sure but don’t mean it because I just want to get away to process everything. Anyways, I go see my movie then meet up with Moira. Moira then gets a text later that night from Karen. Mind you, Moira wasn’t her friend and they just said hi and small talk if they saw each other at a bar or party, Karen then decides to tell Moira she ran into me and how desperate I was to hang out with her and how I looked like I needed a friend and all this crazy talk. I mean this B had some nerve!!! Anyways, to be mean Moira invited her to the bar we were drinking and I kid you not the minute she walks in and sees me she turns right around to leave, we chase her down and I ask why she lied, she claims she didn’t and starts crying and calls a cab to take her home. Karma works in funny ways because then her boyfriend, my ex, texts me for a hookup a couple of days later. At this point I was so annoyed with her I agree and feel no guilt. He was sleeping around already but she thought she changed him and if only she knew you just can’t change people who aren’t ready to change. I mean we were in our early twenties, we all just wanted to party. This wouldn’t be the last time I heard from Karen. I dated 2 other guys before Dan and both guys also were friended by Karen and it is almost funny of her to think she would have a better relationship with them than me. Those break ups were painful and hurtful and lying and cheating was involved but we still remained friends. We had great connections and even though we didn’t work out as couples we were still great friends. Both of those guys would always mention how they saw Karen and how clingy she was and how she always brought me up. I think she was obsessed with me which is mind boggling because she ruined our friendship. It is almost like she wanted my leftovers and that’s just weird. Years later I would run into her again but this time with Dan and my core friendship group (high school friends, Moira, and Laney, my real friends who knew absolutely everything about me) and she was alone at a table. She invites us over but my friends knowing the stories about her say no and we get our big table for just us and drink and laugh the night away. I get up to use the restroom and she follows to ask who the new guy I was dating and I said this is the guy I am going to marry. She asks about my friends (besides Moira) and I tell her those are my real friends that I have known for a decade, I stare her straight in her eyes almost begging for her to say something stupid and she just says bye since none of her friends came and she didn’t want to intrude on my night out. I say bye and this is the last time I see her in person. She later tried to friend me on Facebook but I blocked her instead. She was really the only toxic friend I met in my twenties and I am happy to never encounter her again. Sometimes I feel that even if we are fooled in the moment those life lessons those people like Karen stay with you forever. She also provides a great story and one I love to tell my kids to always look out for a Karen. They lurk and hide like tigers in every habitat and while they can camouflage they can’t hide forever. I do often feel bad giving my kids all these crazy warnings like there are more bad people than good in life but it is only because I have encountered so much bad. I do tell them there are good people in life like my core girl group but I found them by pure luck, fate brought me and them together so I have no real advice except random kindness does exist (just be careful and weary of everyone lololol.)

-As a kid I loved listening to my dad’s record collection. I was the only one allowed to touch his records because I always put them away exactly how I found them and I would clean his record player after every use. Anyways, he loved the Beatles, so one day I was sitting and listening to Rubber Soul when on comes “I’m Looking Through you.” I didn’t think too much of it but my dad in passing mentions how that does happen in life and then just leaves. I was like wait what?! I play the song again and really listen to the lyrics and think wow that’s cold. Can love really just disappear overnight, can people change that quickly? I had a million questions but none I would ever ask my dad because you just didn’t question him. As I got older and started dating I finally understood what he meant, love can change so quickly and you don’t even know it. People can change and they become strangers. You can change and not even notice it. Love can be so many things that it always surprises me. Good or bad I am happy to have felt this feeling.

-I remember in college while I loved experimenting in everything I never got addicted to anything which in turn actually was a blessing. I loved candy more than anything in life at that time so if I had to spend money it was almost always on a forty and some candy. Other party favors just did not fit my budget and even when offered, the high from that sweet sweet sugar was the only thing I wanted and I guess addicted to. Anyways, many times I would go to parties and because I was just so excited to see everyone and feed off their energy I would always have people ask me what drugs I was on or who was my drug dealer. I would say I wasn’t on anything but offer them candy and they would insist on me saying who I bought the good stuff from, my default answer was always God or Jesus because I wasn’t on anything but I always found it odd people wouldn’t believe me.

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