Memories #2 (Death)

Recently, Dan’s dad passed away and unlike my dad he was an amazing dad. Dan is such a wonderful man and it is really thanks to his great upbringing and one of a kind parents. His dad’s death made me remember my dad’s and I still remember my dad’s funeral and feeling really numb. People were talking about him as if he were this great person and I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone because growing up he was anything but amazing. I would pray everyday when I was little for my parent’s to divorce, my dad to die, or me to die. Someone had to go but none of us did. I had this constant guilt about feeling these things because you weren’t suppose to want to wish death on someone so I would wish it upon myself and then feel guilty about that and then go to confession and tell the priest everything I was feeling only to be “forgiven” and say my 5 Our Father’s and 5 Hail Mary’s and the vicious cycle would always begin. My dad while being a terrible father was an amazing grandfather. He loved being a grandfather and spoiled the kids with all this attention he never gave us growing up. While I did forgive eventually and distance did make the heart grow fonder I still sometimes get flashes of anger remembering everything. Anyways, this isn’t about him but just random memories of death in my life

1. My first story begins with this girl we will call X, this happened my Junior year of high school (another scandal.) She was always really complicated and sensitive. She would be very two face too and no matter how much I tried to get along with her I just couldn’t. We are all fighting that good fight in life and some of us show it and some don’t. I didn’t show it and she did and she made sure everyone knew it and everything about everyone’s business. It would drive me crazy. Anyways, her grandmother died that summer I think going into Junior year and I sent her my condolences and told her I would keep her in prayers which I did but that’s it. I never met my grandparents on my dad’s side and both my grandparents on my mom’s side died in 1st Grade so I didn’t really know what to say or how to act. There was also the case that while I felt terrible she was really sad I was also sad maybe jealous her grandmother got to die and I didn’t. I was severely depressed and had lots of mental disorders and no help but how could I admit that I was jealous that her grandmother was dead and not me?! I obviously couldn’t because I didn’t share anything then and it sounds crazy and sick even now. Junior year came and I had a great group of friends and a crush that I adored. He was so nice and would often sit next to me on the bus for our architecture class field trips during Sophomore year. He asked if I was going to the Homecoming Dance and of course I was but with my friends and he said to save him a dance. I was giddy beyond anything and thankful I saved my whole summer job checks for a new wardrobe and I specifically picked a great outfit for this night. I wore these awesome black pants, red top and my first high heel black boots. I knew I looked good, depressed I was but also knew I was beautiful. We all got ready at my friend Michelle’s house and drove in 2 separate cars to the dance at our high school gym. I was of course super nervous to see my crush and also to add I am a terrible dancer (still am.) Prior to this dance I did go to all the other dances but that was to be out of the house and I was a wallflower and would sit on the benches and just watch people and talk to my friends. So we get to the dance and I don’t see my crush so I dance awkwardly with my friends and of course gossip the night away. I leave to go to the bathroom and when I come back who do I see, my crush and X grinding up on each other. Now at the time she was part of my 7 girl group aka 7 girls that we had all known each other since Freshmen year and have gone to each other’s houses and knew basically everything about each other. She knew how much I adored him and all the girls knew I was finally going to confess my feelings for him that night. Like there was without a doubt she knew I liked him so much after all this time over a year and I finally got the courage to tell him but no this B came and danced with my guy. Had it been any other girl outside of my 7 girl group I wouldn’t have cared as much I mean it was my fault for waiting over a year to tell him I liked him and I would have chalked it up as fate and just not being the guy for me, but she knew! She knew I liked him so much how could she? All my friends were shocked, they all knew I liked him and I had to watch and bite my tears away because this B who I didn’t even really like but was forced to be friends with her because of the other girls was stabbing me in the back. Ughhh the agony! Needless to say I didn’t get to dance with my crush and when they made eye contact I waved like an idiot with a smile on my face as my heart was breaking about the betrayal. After the dance it was agreed a group of us would go to this restaurant called Bennigans to get a late dinner. Little did I know this would be one of those crazy dinners that lives on in my friends group memory forever. We get there, we eat, we are paying the bill and then X just snaps! Thank God I was at the other end of this big table so I didn’t know what was going on nor did I care, but she starts yelling at everyone about everything. She yelled at Michelle for “using her for her car” she yelled at Ida for something and then she got to me (ummm what?) she goes on and on how I didn’t properly show I was sad and grieve with her about her grandma and what a terrible friend I was! The irony of this B to call me a bad friend, I sometimes wish I could go back in time to defend myself and tell her exactly how I felt and what a terrible person she was not just in my life but everyone’s, I just sat there shocked instead. She said other crazy things but I can’t remember too well and it was a night of lots of tears and lots of sadness. The next day that we had school she immediately apologized to Michelle (she was and is forever the leader of our group) me and Ida waited awhile for ours, Ida got hers a couple of weeks later and I got mine months later. I could never really forgive her though and while we weren’t the best of friends before this we certainly were not friends after and more like acquaintances. I completely closed myself off to her and I blamed myself for not listening to my intuition when I had the chance. Had she just told me she wished I could be there more for her or something I would have, I didn’t even think we were that great of friends why would she want me there. I always saved my tears for my pillow prior to this so did she want me to fall on my knees and cry? It was all so confusing and I wish this drama on no one. I do wonder what did she exactly feel to behave this way, it couldn’t just have been about her grandma dying, I mean she literally snapped. She was always dramatic though and the littlest things would make her snap and it really was like walking on eggshells being with her. I am thankful to have met her though because she reminded me a lot of that 4th grade girl so it was a great reminder to always watch my back. We are still acquaintances to this day and I am happy she isn’t in my life a lot. The stories I hear about her are still the same, two face, back stabbing, always the victim, and bad crazy, I keep telling my friends to drop her like she is hot but she is a stage 5 clinger and just forces friendships. Whatever, I can breathe happily she can’t talk about me since she doesn’t know anything about me.
2. I should preface this story by saying that if you know me you know I can fall asleep every where and any where. I instantly can knock out walking, standing, on the floor you name it I can fall asleep. At one point I thought I was narcoleptic but I am not because I know when I am going to fall asleep and just need something to drink, talk to, eat and I can wake up. I also hate driving, I am not only a terrible driver, I also fall asleep! I am use to taking the CTA, public transportation and in retrospect I definitely should not have ever fallen asleep on that but better that than in a car. Anyways, this story is about the last time I drove alone and late at night. I was driving home from a study session in college. I was in Jefferson Park and had to take the highway to get back home to Logan Square. I was so exhausted after studying but knew if I didn’t come home my parents would kill me. I called my friend to keep me awake but she fell asleep on me so I had to drive most of the way home alone. I get off my exit California. I was awake and thinking yes! Just have a couple of lights and I am home! WRONG!!! I remember stopping at the light California and Diversey, next thing I know I am on the sidewalk opposite of the way I was driving and no damage to the car!! I instantly wake up and drive to move back to the other side of the street when off goes the driver’s side mirror. I make it to the other side and once home cry so hard calling myself the biggest GD hypocrite because here I almost died and when I get the chance I pray I don’t die and then cry tears of happiness that I am alive. This would also be the last time I ever had suicidal thoughts. It is weird how that happens, you pray for something so long and opportunity strikes and you chicken out and think no I am not ready. I will post a picture below to try to describe how the car went to the other side. I should also add I didn’t get in trouble with my parents. Once I composed myself I drove back to the area where the mirror flew off and picked up the pieces and the mirror. I then drove back home parked and imagined how it would look if a car was driving down the street and hit the car mirror and it flew off that way. So I scattered the pieces and the big mirror piece and when my parents woke up the next morning my dad was furious but with no one to blame he went to get it fixed and I didn’t get in trouble. Years later, Dan would park on my street and he had a car hit him and his mirror was taken off and I remember when we saw the car all I could do was laugh and laugh because it the scene looked exactly how I had set it up for my parents to find years before. What are the odds right?

I cannot tell you how many times I have walked and of course driven by this area my whole life and especially after this crazy incident to try to make sense how I ended up on the opposite side of the street and not hit anything I mean nothing while I was asleep. How did the car fit in between the space from the house and trees perfectly. Like how?!!! The scientist in me constantly tries to make sense of it all, was it luck, was it perhaps my subconscious directing me since I have driven down this street a million times, was it God? I mean I don’t know. The Catholic in me obviously believes God saved me to see the error of my ways and wake up and be glad and rejoice I am alive but I can’t help but to question why. Anyways, I am alive and even though it took me even years later to really appreciate the good in my life I have loved living since and especially now.

It’s weird speaking to Dan the other day and him wanting to move because every couple of months he gets the urge to just leave the Midwest and everything behind and I recently reminded him how much I love living here and how I truly feel we will look back at this time without many friends or family and just each other and say these were the best times of our lives. Just him, me, and the kids figuring everything out ourselves, failing, laughing, and learning. I love it! I love my suburb, I love my family, I love my life here and having the luxury of being able to stay home with the kids and take them everywhere they want to go. I sometimes wish I could hug little Janet and tell her every tear, every heartbreak, even every wish of not existing and feeling so alone was well worth it to be where I am today. Nothing could have prepared me for this, I could never dream to be where I am at now and it feels like I am just beginning to live.