Botox

I recently went to get Botox and it was exactly what I’d hope it would be. Before I show my before and after I want to write down to remind myself why I got it.

Growing up, my dad and 2 of my brothers were my biggest bullies. I don’t think they really understood how mean and harsh their words were and how badly broken my heart got but it did. Always being called a name and being made fun of my appearance and just put down day to day was too much. I hated being home so I would sign up for every before and after school activity not to be an overachiever but just to get a break from the teasing at home. I couldn’t handle another slut, bitch, buck tooth beaver comment anymore, I mean who says that to their daughter, their sister? I don’t get it, who bullies so relentless that I hated even waking up every day. I just wanted it to stop. So needless to say my self confidence was shot at a very early age. I mean I would have people tell me or my parents how pretty I was but I never believed it. How could I when I knew at home what I really was to the people I cared for the most.

Somewhere along the line, I decided to not let it get me down. I never got to go on playdates or play outside or have friends over so books and tv were my only companion until we got birds and then dogs so I started to make it a point to sit in front of the mirror every day and tell myself one thing I really liked about myself, whether it was superficial or something I felt good I did in the day I started to talk to myself in the mirror. I always would look at my reflection and pump myself up. The mean words were still there but slowly they just didn’t bother me. My mom got me braces, I went through puberty at age 16, and I finally had my first kiss at 17. I really came into my own in college and while guys finally started to notice me the only real opinion I cared about was my own.

I remember people either talking about me or telling me how conceited I was and how I should be more humble, but I would just ignore it because they had no idea how much I had to do to even be able to look in the mirror and admit “I am pretty.” I have been called lots of names in my life and while most were lies (well to me, maybe to someone they actually believed I was that) the only name that bothered me was conceited.

Now I am 36 and slowly started to feel less “pretty” I know I am pretty but I don’t feel it (if that makes sense.) It sounds terrible to admit and even though I don’t judge someone by their appearance because I know exactly what that feels like I want to feel pretty again to me. I want to be able to look in the mirror and give myself that compliment. I don’t need someone else’s opinion because I could care less but I want to hear the voice in my head look and say yes you are beautiful today. I’ll age gracefully later in life but for right now I want to hold on to my youth as much as possible. 3 kids in and I know I could lose weight, I know I could eat better, I know I could do so much, but I want to give myself this little thing.

I finally was talking to Dan and he asked me what would realistically make me feel better about myself and after much consideration I realized I didn’t like to smile as much because of my crow’s feet. I love my smile, I love my big teeth but I was hiding them because of wrinkles. On top of that wearing a mask you can only really see your eyes so I definitely noticed my wrinkles a lot more. I reached out to a friend and was able to schedule an appointment to get my first Botox.

It was all very fast and the esthetician made me feel very comfortable and explained everything. After discussing which brand I wanted and the pros and cons of both, we decided to start off with 12 units, so 6 on each side of my eyes. Some injections didn’t hurt but some felt like a sting but it didn’t last long at all. In fact the actual injecting lasted mere minutes. My after care was no touching my face for a couple of days but especially the first 4 hours after. I was very lucky and didn’t get bruising or a headache and just noticed the little dots on my face where she actually injected.

I have felt so much better about myself. When I went to Chicago my friends asked if I did my eyebrows or something because I looked really good. I admitted I had Botox done and they couldn’t believe the great results! Most of my friends are pregnant right now but will look into getting Botox once they are done having kids too. Now, I am thinking of dying my hair, like highlights or going lighter all around anything really to get rid of my grey hairs.

I should add, my brothers have since apologized and we have an ok relationship. Sibling relationships are always so complicated and I never see eye to eye with them. I love my brothers but we are very very different in a lot of ways and we always find a way to fight even now. Although, I am grateful our significant others don’t get involve and complicate things even more so we always say mean things to each other but by the next night we are fine and continue with life as usual. Me living in MN has helped a lot and even though I sometimes wish I was closer to my brothers time doesn’t heal all wounds and I really hope and pray my 3 boys become best friends and have that special sibling relationship I wish I had with my brothers.